The Bloggles Do Nothing!

Fantasy Star VI: Myriad of Locations

2008-12-26T01:17:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Star is a 12-part analysis of the similarities between Final Fantasy XII and the Star Wars trilogies.

Ivalice
Final Fantasy XII is set in Ivalice, a setting used in previous installments. The game’s vast range of environments, just like in other Final Fantasy games, allows the player to travel from cityscapes, to deserts, to swamp lands and more. The Star Wars galaxy is presented in a similar way. The characters travel across numerous planets, with each one representing a distinct type of environment. What further makes Ivalice feel like the Star Wars galaxy is the inherent mixture of different races in many of the settings. Previous Final Fantasy games featured predominantly human characters. The few non human characters that did appear were often scattered throughout the game, with their towns representing a minute portion of the world map.

Dalmasca
Dalmasca is like Tatooine. Not only is it located in a desert environment, but it is also the most revisited location in the story and the home of the protagonist. The city of Rabanastre is like Tattoine’s Mos Eisley space port. The Sand Sea tavern is like the Mos Eisley Cantina. Just like in Star Wars, cantinas and bars are locations the characters visit to find information. The desert to the west of Rabanastre is inhabited by a number of deadly creatures and indigenous races, similar to the Dune Sea on Tattooine.

Bhujerba
The sky city of Bhujerba is like Cloud City of Bespin. Both locations attempt to stay neutral from the greater conflict occurring around them. Bhujerba’s economy is based on mining Magicite like Cloud City’s is based on mining tibanna gas.

Mt. Bur-Omisace
Mt. Bur-Omisace is a spiritual center in Ivalice where the Kiltia practice their faith. The Jedi Temple on Coruscant is the headquarters of the Jedi Council. The Gran Kiltias at Mt. Bur-Omisace gives guidance in the same way the Jedi Council did in the Jedi Temple. The Archadian Empire invaded Mt. Bur-Omisace in order to retrieve Larsa back to Archades. Judge Bergan, under the influence of Venat and powered by manufacted nethicite, slaughters the Gran Kiltias and everyone he can find at the main temple. In Revenge of the Sith, Anakin Skywalker and a legion of Clone Troopers invaded the Jedi Temple. Anakin, under the influence of the Dark Side, slaughters the Jedi within the temple.

Feywood
The Feywood is soaked with Mist energies as are parts of Dagobah with Dark Side energies. The party must navigate a number of puzzles in the Feywood before gaining entry to Giruvegan. Luke trained under Yoda at the cave where a Dark Jedi was defeated. The Dark Side cave presented Luke with visions of fighting Vader and glimpses of the future.

Eruyt Village
The homeland of the Viera is located deep within the Golmore Jungle. The massive trees’ branches and roots are wide enough to use as paths. The trees themselves stretch high into the sky, allowing the Viera to build massive structures that use the trees for support. Eruyt Village resembles the Wookie villages of Kashyyyk and Ewok villages on Endor’s moon.

Nabudis
The city of Nabudis, just like the planet of Alderaan, was wiped out in a single display of firepower. Judge Zecht was ordered by Emperor Gramis to steal the Midlight Shard and unleash its power on Nabradia’s capital city. The Nethicite explosion destroyed the entire city, leaving only a ruin full of Mist and monsters. Grand Moff Tarkin targeted Princess Leia’s planet of Alderaan as an example of the Death Star’s firepower. A single blast made the entire planet explode and reduced it to an asteroid field.

Archades
Archades, the capital of the Archadian Empire, resembles Coruscant, capital of the Galactic Empire. Both are examples of vast urban development. Skyscrapers tower over much of the cityscape. Vehicles fly along air routes to access different areas. The poorer members of society are relegated to the lower levels in the shadows underneath the buildings. Archades and Coruscant also have an Imperial Palace for their respective rulers.

Fantasy Star V: Diversity of Race

2008-12-04T01:04:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Star is a 12-part analysis of the similarities between Final Fantasy XII and the Star Wars trilogies.

It’s interesting to note that the various races in Final Fantasy XII talk with distinct dialects and accents just like the alien races found in Star Wars.

Garif

The Garif and Wookies are both physically imposing races with bodies covered in fur. Both races are traditionally peaceful, but can be formidable in physical combat. The Garif warrior code is similar to that of the Wookies.

Viera

Viera are a race very much in touch with nature. The Viera’s Eruyt Village is reminiscent of the treetop habitats built by the Wookies and Ewoks. The all female Viera’s skimpy fashions and exotic natures can also be compared to the portrayal of female Twileks in Star Wars.

Seeq

The Seeq are like Gamorreans. Both races have pig-like snouts with teeth visibly protruding from their lower jaw. Seeq and Gamorreans are often seen doing grunt work in the background.

Bangaa

Bangaa and Gungans have lizard-like features. They have long snouts and long ears that flop down on the sides of their heads. Both races also speak in very thick, almost stereotypical, accents.

Ultan-Yensa

The Ultan-Yensa make use of Yensa, native creatures in their desert environment, as beasts of burden. Tusken Raiders and Jawas use Banthas as beasts of burden. The harsh environment inhabited by these respective races requires them to wear protective clothing that hides much of their physical features.

Humes
The similarities between the Humes in Final Fantasy and the Humans in Star Wars are pretty self-explanatory. Aside from the physical resemblance, these races primarily speak English, dress according to the environment and are the primary heroes and villains of their respective stories.

There are also creatures and monsters which are too numerous to mention every single one.

Fantasy Star IV: Actions of Others

2008-01-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Star is a 12-part analysis of the similarities between Final Fantasy XII and the Star Wars trilogies.

Larsa

Larsa is a child prodigy just like Anakin Skywalker in The Phantom Menace. Despite their ages, both characters are quite knowledgeable with technology. They are also seen as instruments of power due to their seeming naiveté. The Senate wants to install Larsa as a puppet Emperor of Archades. Palpatine sees Anakin as the one capable of bringing the Sith victory over the Jedi and the galaxy. Both boys also befriend relatively older girls. Larsa bonds with Penelo while in her company just like Anakin does with Padme.

Marquis Ondore

Marquis Ondore’s role in the game corresponds to the roles of Lando Calrissian and Admiral Ackbar in Star Wars. Ondore leads the sky continent of Bhujerba. Lando is in charge of Cloud City of Bespin. Both characters were coerced into capturing the heroes while visiting their respective sky cities. Ondore then becomes military commander of the Resistance forces against Archades like Admiral Ackbar does with the Rebel Alliance. Ondore leads the Resistance attack against the Bahamut superfortress similar to Ackbar’s Rebel assault against the second Death Star.

Tom Kane, Ondore’s American voice actor, played Admiral Ackbar in Star Wars: Battlefront. He’s also had roles in Robot Chicken: Star Wars, Lego Star Wars II, Star Wars: Empire at War, The Phantom Menace game, the Revenge of the Sith game, Star Wars: Clone Wars, Star Wars: Republic Commando, Star Wars: Battlefront I and II, Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic I and II, Star Wars: Rogue Squadron II and III, Star Wars: Jedi Academy, Star Wars Bounty Hunter, Star Wars: Jedi Knight II, Star Wars: Jedi Starfighter, Star Wars: Racer Revenge, Star Wars: Super Bombad Racing, Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds, Star Wars: Demolition, Star Wars: Jedi Power Battles, Star Wars: Force Commander, Star Wars: X-Wing Alliance, Star Wars: Episode I - Racer, Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire and Star Wars: X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter.

Reddas

Reddas is a hardened warrior like Mace Windu. The attack on Nabradia made Reddas question the motives of Vayne just like how the Clone Wars made Mace question the motives of Palpatine. Both characters are gifted in swordsmanship. Reddas and Mace die in energy-related deaths from locations far above the ground. Reddas is consumed in the mist explosion after destroying the Sun-Cryst at the Pharos of Ridorana. Mace is thrown by a blast of Force lightning from the Chancellor’s tower office.

Phil Lamarr, Reddas’s American voice actor, had roles in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic I and II.

Montblanc

Montblanc, the physically diminutive leader of Clan Centurio, is the counterpart of Yoda, the equally short Grand Master of the Jedi Council in the prequel trilogy. Both characters are as cunning as they are versed in combat. Montblanc creates a fake hunt in order to lure out the mysterious Hunter Killer. Yoda attempts to learn the identity of Darth Sidious through his Force sensitivity and finds out that it is Palpatine. Montblanc’s ultimate goal for Clan Centurio is to raise warriors, such as Vaan and company, to become strong enough to finally put an end to Yiazmat. Yoda’s goal after the Jedi extermination is to train Luke to be the one that ultimately defeats the Sith.

Miguelo

Miguelo is the blue-skinned Bangaa store owner in the desert town of Rabanastre. Watto is the blue-skinned Toydarian store owner in the desert town of Mos Espa. Both characters employ the respective protagonists of the stories. Miguelo has Vaan while Watto has Anakin. Despite their positions of authority, Miguelo and Watto have taken a liking to the young heroes because of their loyalty to their respective businesses.

John DiMaggio, Miguelo’s American voice actor, also played General Grievous in Star Wars: Clone Wars.

Reks

Reks plays a role similar to Biggs Darklighter. They are the sources of inspiration for the protagonists. Both characters enlist into military service and are able to leave their isolated desert homes. Reks dies from injuries inflicted by Gabranth, the Darth Vader analogue in Final Fantasy XII. Biggs dies when his X-Wing is destroyed by Darth Vader.

Reks’s comparison to Biggs should not be confused with the inclusion of the Biggs and Wedge pair found in other Final Fantasy games. The pair makes a cameo as the anagrammed Nalbina guards, Deweg and Gibbs.

Fantasy Star III: The Villains Unleashed

2007-12-27T13:49:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Star is a 12-part analysis of the similarities between Final Fantasy XII and the Star Wars trilogies.

Gabranth

Judge Magister Gabranth clearly takes inspiration from Darth Vader. Not only does the design of Gabranth’s mask echo Vader’s, speaking through it also gives his voice a deep intonation. Underneath the mask, Gabranth resembles Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones. Gabranth’s allegiance to the Emperor is a result of a series of personal tragedies. The death of his mother and seeming betrayal from Basch influenced him to seek a path towards the Empire. Just like Vader, Gabranth is convinced by the heroes to turn on the Emperor. Again, like Vader, Gabranth is fatally injured in the ensuing battle. They are redeemed for their past actions by the surviving heroes.

Vayne

Vayne and Palpatine are introduced as charismatic politicians seeking stability among the populace. However, they believe it can only be achieved through absolute subjugation. Both ascend to higher positions of power through deception and treachery. Both characters disband the Senate after proclaiming themselves the Emperor. Like Palpatine, Vayne expects the utmost loyalty from his subjects. Vayne orders Gabranth to kill Judge Magister Drace as a test of his allegiance, much like when Palpatine ordered Anakin to kill Count Dooku. Despite his seemingly delicate appearance, Vayne is well versed in combat and the manipulation of Nethicite. Despite the overwhelming powers at their disposal, Vayne and Palpatine die onboard their respective superfortresses after being betrayed by a trusted ally.

Cid

Doctor Cid is as much responsible for Vayne’s war effort as Count Dooku to Palpatine’s. Both were once revered members of their respective organizations before being corrupted by power. Cid’s manipulation over Nethicite is comparable to Dooku’s mastery of the Force. While both characters are quite formidable in combat, they still rely on others to do the fighting for them.

Ghis

Judge Magister Ghis, like Grand Moff Tarkin, is a senior Imperial officer that answers only to the Emperor. The two share some facial resemblance. Both overestimate their safety as a result of the hulking vehicles under their command and take great pleasure in gloating to the respective princesses they have captured. Ghis died onboard the Leviathan when it exploded due to an unforeseen mechanical failure from a small piece of Nethicite. Tarkin died onboard the Death Star when it exploded from an attack by small group of starfighters.

Archadian Empire

The Archadian Empire plays the same role as the Galactic Empire. Members of both empires talk with British accents. Both share a seeming centricity towards humans over the other races. The Judge Magisters are the Archadian equivalent of Sith Lords. Judge Magisters not only hold high positions within the Empire, but they’re also gifted with magical abilities beyond that of a normal person. Along with these terrifying individuals, the empires also favor the use of superweapons against their adversaries.

Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh, like General Grievous, is a multi-limbed master of blades. Gilgamesh challenges adventurers and takes their weapons upon defeat. Grievous does the same with vanquished Jedi foes.

John DiMaggio, Gilgamesh’s American voice actor, also played General Grievous in Star Wars: Clone Wars.

Ba’Gamnan

Ba’Gamnan, along with other bounty hunters, eagerly seeks the reward for Balthier. He has a professional relationship with Gabranth similar to the one between Boba Fett and Darth Vader. During a battle with the heroes in the Nam-Yensa Sandsea, Ba’Gamnan falls off a platform to his seeming demise, just like Boba Fett’s fall into the Sarlacc Pit.

Steven Blum, Ba’Gamnan’s American voice actor, had roles in Star Wars: Empire at War, Star Wars: Battlefront II, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic I and II, Star Wars: Jedi Knight I and II, Star Wars: Force Commander, Star Wars: X-Wing Alliance and Star Wars: X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter.

Fantasy Star II: The Emergence of Heroes

2007-12-26T00:29:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Star is a 12-part analysis of the similarities between Final Fantasy XII and the Star Wars trilogies.

Vaan

Vaan resembles Luke Skywalker from A New Hope. Both characters are blonde haired orphans of roughly the same age. Vaan and Luke are very naïve about the world around them due to their sheltered lifestyles. Vaan lives in Rabanastre’s Lowtown rather than Rabanastre proper, just like how the Skywalker family lives outside of the busy Mos Eisley port city. Both characters dream of possessing flight vehicles in order to leave their homes in the desert. Through a series of events, Vaan finds himself joining up with two criminals, a forgotten knight and a princess, and getting involved in a conflict against an empire. Vaan’s first weapon is a sword, similar to Luke’s use of a lightsaber as his weapon. It’s also interesting to note that one of Vaan’s first missions is to clear a sewer of Dire Rats, earning him the nickname “Vaan Ratsbane.” One of Luke’s pastimes included shooting womp rats with his T-16 Skyhopper.

Balthier

Balthier is a near match to Han Solo. Both wear similar outfits, consisting of a white long sleeved shirt, vest, dark pants, dark shoes and holsters. His initial weapon is a gun, echoing Han’s use of a blaster as his primary weapon. Beyond superficial similarities, Balthier shares the same cocky attitude as Han, as well as the tendency to use a reward to mask acts of altruism. He demands Princess Ashe to give him her ring as payment for escorting her to the Garif village but he eventually gives the ring back. This mirrors Han’s demand for a reward for rescuing Leia and later coming back to help the rebels despite having already been paid for his service. Balthier is a sky pirate with his own ship, the Strahl, just like how Han is a smuggler operating via his Millennium Falcon. Both characters have become notorious enough to have prices on their heads, causing ruthless bounty hunters to chase them.

Gideon Emery, Balthier’s American voice actor, has done work in Star Wars: Empire at War and Star Wars: Battlefront.

Fran

Fran serves as the Chewbacca to Balthier’s Han Solo. On top of the animalistic traits, Fran also shares Chewie’s minimalist approach to clothing. The two characters are adept mechanics and are extremely loyal to their respective partners in crime. Both are capable of dealing great amounts of physical damage during fits of berserker rage. Fran is also introduced in the game with a bow and arrows as her weapon. Chewbacca uses a bowcaster, a traditional Wookie crossbow, as his weapon. She is significantly older than the other members of the party. Fran is a Viera, and like Wookies, means she naturally has a longer lifespan than humans.

Nicole Fantl, Fran’s American voice actor, appeared in Attack of the Clones as Senator Lexi Dio.

Basch

Like Obi-Wan, Basch is a former knight of an overthrown government and is long thought dead by the public. Basch’s initial weapon is a sword, like Obi-Wan’s choice of a lightsaber for his weapon. Both characters adhere strongly to a code of honor, willing to dedicate themselves to a cause greater than personal gain. Basch has a personal connection to Judge Magister Gabranth in the same way Obi-Wan Kenobi is connected to Darth Vader, destined to meet each other for one final battle.

Keith Ferguson, Basch’s American voice actor, played Han Solo in Robot Chicken.

Ashe

Princess Ashe is very much like the amalgamation of the political aspects of Princess Leia and Queen/Senator Padme Amidala. She shares their dedication to the citizens. Ashe is fighting to liberate her people from the corrupt Imperial rule. To do so, she joined the underground resistance and became an important figure within the group. She values peace but also does not shy away from physical combat. Ashe is descended from the Dynast-King and therefore able to use Nethicite much like how Leia is Force sensitive due to her being Darth Vader’s daughter.

Kari Wahlgren, Ashe’s American voice actor, has done work for Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, Star Wars: Empire at War and the Revenge of the Sith game.

Penelo

Penelo is an amalgamation of the nonpolitical characteristics of Leia and Padme. Penelo is the most emotional and most passive member of the party. Penelo parallels Leia in the sense that she is simultaneously like a sibling and an ambiguous romantic possibility for Vaan. She also develops a friendship with the young Larsa, similar to Padme’s connection to the young Anakin in The Phantom Menace.

Cat Taber, Penelo’s American voice actor, voiced Mission Vao in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic and plays Princess Leia in Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.

Fantasy Star I: A Brief History

2007-12-25T00:08:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Star is a 12-part analysis of the similarities between Final Fantasy XII and the Star Wars trilogies.

I bought Final Fantasy XII a couple months ago. I enjoyed the new developments it had from other games in the series with regards to gameplay and graphics. As for the story, there was something about it that kept me from fully enjoying the experience. It felt very familiar. I thought I was just being paranoid but the more I played, the more I realized that Final Fantasy XII is actually Square Enix’s take on Star Wars. I looked online and found that I wasn’t the only person to notice the similarities. However, these people usually only have a brief list of the parallels from the game and the two Star Wars trilogies. Since I didn’t find any in-depth articles about the subject matter, I decided to write one on my own.

Before jumping into Final Fantasy XII, it’s best to look at prior games in the series because finding Star Wars references in Final Fantasy certainly isn’t anything new. A comprehensive list of them, along with others unrelated to Star Wars, can be found at Final Fantasy Compendium. I’ll just point out several of the more notable examples from various games in the series.

In Final Fantasy VI, Locke rescues Celes and their resulting exchange echoes that scene of Luke rescuing Leia in A New Hope.
Celes: You’re awfully short for a soldier.
Leia: Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?

In Final Fantasy IX, Necron says to the main characters, "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." That quote was part of Yoda’s dialogue in The Phantom Menace.

Out of all the Star Wars references found in the Final Fantasy games, the inclusion of two characters named Wedge and Biggs has become as integral to the series as those of chocobos and Cids. The pair can be found in Final Fantasy VI, VII, VIII, X, X-2 and, of course, XII.

What separates Final Fantasy XII from past games and their simple references is its incorporation of themes from the Star Wars movies. These range from characters, to plot elements, to music, to art direction. As you’ll see in the following installments, Final Fantasy XII takes things to another level.

Assessing Creed

2007-11-24T15:30:00.000-08:00

I don’t have much new material to add to this current hullabaloo regarding Ubisoft’s cease and desist order concerning a pornographic comic depicting Jade Raymond, one of the talented individuals behind Assassin’s Creed. People from all sides have made valid points. Ubisoft has no legal standing, the comic falls under free speech, the comic and its creator is offensive, Something Awful has nothing to do with the creation of the comic, etc. However, among the numerous blog posts and comments, something caught my attention.

Holly of Feministe made an interesting observation concerning the artistic quality of the comic. Holly writes:

Sadly, it wasn’t a poorly drawn doodle by a talentless teenager: it was a pro-quality web comic done by someone experienced. (Update: it was in fact a published comic author who made it, see below.)

It’s been brought to my attention that the comic was drawn by Dave Cheung, the creator of Chugworth Academy. I’m mentioning this in part because some might assume the comic was a hasty stick-figure scribble by a middle school brat. But Cheung is a published author who’s well known in some circles; you can buy his latest book on Amazon, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless you crave glossy schoolgirl wank material. Plus, the comic is still up on his Deviant Art page. Since he seems to enjoy degrading other creative professionals–enough to have created and posted a congratulatory “Made Jade Cry” achievement on his site–I figured his name might as well be out there too. Of course, he’ll probably just enjoy the negative attention, so please don’t feed the trolls.

Since I wasn’t sure how relevant those details were to the situation, they stuck clearly in my mind. I want everyone to try to answer the following question: Would this situation have been any different if the comic WAS a poorly drawn doodle by a talentless teenager as opposed to a pro-quality web comic done by someone experienced?

I’m no longer a teenager nor am I a talentless artist. But let’s pretend that I am so talentless, that I am unable to draw anything besides snowmen. I made my own rendition of Dave Cheung’s original comic in that artistically retarded snowman style.

Here’s the NSFW original. Compare that to my crappy five minute rendition. It has snowmen masturbating and one getting a snow job. Not sure if that qualifies as NSFW.

So tell me, is the comic more or less outrageous? Does being a crappy artist somehow soften the blow (no pun intended, wait, pun intended!)? I personally think it does discount the subject matter to some degree. Think of what South Park is able to get away with in each episode and then imagine that same episode as if it was done in live action, child actors and all. It’s an unfortunate but inescapable aspect of life that people will continue to judge someone or something based on appearance. It’s unfortunate because it shows exactly how one individual with the same intention as another can be discounted merely due to their difference in technique. It’s inescapable because it’s human nature. It ultimately goes back to one of the main arguments about this topic concerning Jade Raymond: if Jade Raymond wasn’t a woman, let alone an attractive one, perhaps none of this would have happened.

The only other opinion I have on the matter is Ubisoft and possibly Raymond will look worse coming out of it than Something Awful or Dave Cheung. Think of the way the MPAA and RIAA have been suing individuals and shutting down websites. Sure, digital piracy is wrong because the materials in question are owned by the corporations. But the way the lawyers emphasize money and ownership makes it seem that they’re being all the more greedy. Apply this to Ubisoft’s actions. The extent to which Ubisoft is attempting to protect Jade Raymond’s image and reputation makes it seem like said image and reputation is more important than that of anyone else on the Internet. And aren’t we all people that can get just as offended if we found ourselves as the target in a pornographic comic?

Lead Singer of Linkin Park Not So Emo As He Appears

2007-10-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

Whether or not things are crawling in his skin, and whether or not he does indeed bear wounds that will not heal, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park may not be as emo as he appears.

In a show in Australia last weekend, Chester showed off his dexterity skills after the fourth song, and promptly fell off the stage. Due to the fact that he must have put all his skill points in Charisma, the fall resulted in a broken arm. At this point, it would not be difficult to guess what Chester would do, being the lead singer of a band that has helped popularize the current “emo music” trend in what is considered to be modern rock these days. The most obvious act to follow up one the act of arm-breaking, would be to cry about it. Loudly. With angsty guitars and whiny harmonies backing him up.

Chester, however, did not take this course of action. He finished the show with his broken arm, running around on stage and screaming out the rest of the set for more than an hour. Perhaps some of his screams were real pain this time, but the fact that he decided to man up and finish the show is impressive. Perhaps Linkin Park deserves a second chance. Perhaps they will lead rock music away from the emo trend. Perhaps they will stand as shining examples of strength for depressed teenagers everywhere.

Then again, perhaps I will shit out pure gold.

Die, Rebel Scum

2007-10-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

X Wing Rocket - Watch more free videos

Andy Woerner and friends built a replica of a Star Wars X-Wing fighter and shot it out in the California desert. The resulting launch was, well, let's just say it was on par with the quality of the prequel trilogy.

Watching this video makes me wonder exactly how the Rebels won the Galactic Civil War. Oh yeah, it's because Darth Vader used to be a pansy, so his pansy ass son, Luke, got him to switch sides so they could kill the Emperor with tears and poetry. God I hate George Lucas.

Nicolas Cage Wakes Up To Naked Burglar

2007-10-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you how my weekends go. As soon as it hits 11pm, I take off my clothes, run outside, and go break into celebrities homes. It’s tough work, but someone has to do it.

That’s why it makes me so sad to hear about this poor man who was caught on Monday morning, running around nearly naked in Nicolas Cage’s house. That man is doing a job that no one else wants to do, and Nicolas Cage has to go and bust him, just because he’s rubbing his wang on various pieces of furniture. It ain’t fair, man. It ain’t fair. Those pieces of furniture were asking for it.

Oh, and by the way - isn't this an awesome mug shot? That's totally the look a dog gives you when it's being scolded for peeing on the carpet. You know that a policeman is probably standing over him with a rolled up newspaper right now.

Break The Walls Down

2007-09-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

This is a short ad that ran during Monday Night Raw. Could Chris Jericho be returning to the WWE? Consider the following:

a) The video has a similar feel to Jericho's titantron videos.

b) Audio can be heard saying, "I'm back." On Jericho's MySpace page it says, "I'm coming back."

c) Compare the cities of the Raw and pay-per-view tapings with those found on Jericho's book tour on a date by date basis. Notice Jericho doesn't have signings on Mondays. Notice the relatively short distance between his appearance locations and where the WWE will be.

d) Jericho teased a possible return during his appearance on Larry King while sitting next to John Cena, the man that retired him storyline wise.

e) The WWE is in serious need of big name talent right now.

You decide.

Bloggle Vision: Tokyo Popped

2007-09-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

"Bloggle Vision" is a weekly, speculative column on topics as near as a day in the future up to as far away as a year. Remember to check back on each entry to see how close the predictions ended up being.

a) As can be seen at the Tokyo Game Show, Square-Enix continues to bleed its existing franchises dry. I predict a Kingdom Hearts movie will be made in the same vein as Advent Children. Only problem being that Disney will be a dick about the use of its characters, forcing Square-Enix to focus the story soley on the original characters like Sora, Riku, etc. It will come out on the 10th anniversary of the first Kingdom Hearts game.

b) Metal Gear Solid 4 is shaping up to be the end all game in the series. I predict the Chinese will finally have an in-game presence after being mentioned several times in previous titles. Check out the photos of some of the models used for Metal Gear Solid 4.

c) Smash Bros. Dojo has revealed all the characters that have to date been seen in screenshots and footage. I predict next week's character reveal to be Luigi.

Super Mario Galaxy : Next-Gen Platformer Or Gay Conspiracy?

2007-09-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year when the Wii was released, gamers around the world were disappointed when Nintendo was unable to follow through with their promise to launch with a title starring the ever-famous Mario. When you hear the word Nintendo, Mario is often the first thing you think of. Considering how revolutionary the Wii is supposed to be, it would have been appropriate for Mario to be there on launch. To everyone's dismay, everyone's favorite plumber was MIA.

Until now.

With the dry spell of new game releases coming to an end, the holiday season draws near and each next-gen console is ready to unleash the big guns. Nintendo made their head start with their holiday season trifecta already with Metroid Prime 3 : Corruption just a few weeks ago and the next in line to do some damage is Super Mario Galaxy. As its November release comes closer, we are finally treated to the box art... but, wait. What's this I see? I think I got a few sparkles in my eye. Literally.

There's word going around the forums that in the Japanese box art provided above, if you look closely to the words Super Mario Galaxy, there are sparkles placed under certain letters. If you put together all the letters that have a tiny sparkle under them, it spells out "U R MR GAY". It may very well be all coincidence to the Japanese box art, but it's also found here, which appears to be the American box art.

Is Super Mario Galaxy the next-gen platformer we've been waiting for? Or is it just a front for the next-gen gay agenda?

Reggie, the jig is up.

Man Makes A Good Fraction Of My Yearly Income Playing WoW

2007-09-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

Original Story Here

A man sold his WoW account on eBay for 7,000 euro, which is about $9,500 (and going up, thanks to exchange rates). Among his gear, besides 4 out of 5 pieces of his tier 6 armor (Best set in the game currently), he has both of the Twin Blades of Azzinoth (Best weapon a rogue can have). The best part, is that according to the story, there is a very good chance the man who bought this rogue was banned from WoW, making him about 10 grand in the hole with nothing to show for it.

To my knowledge, this is the most expensive character ever sold in a video game.

As an aside, I recall not too long ago, a European copy of Kizuna Encounter for the Neo Geo sold on eBay for 13 grand. A European copy of this game, in mint condition, is worth way too much, with only 4 known copies in existence (There were 3 known until about 2 months ago, when someone found another one).

It pays to game.

College Professor Caught Unaware With Colombian Import

2007-09-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

The Associated Press has a story about how Shakira
attended a Western Civilization class over the summer
at the University of California, Los Angeles.
Lecturer Robert Cleve had no knowledge of Shakira's
pop star status during her entire time in his class.
Cleve said:

"She told me she was visiting from Colombia and that
she was just doing this for her own enlightenment and
enjoyment," Cleve said. "She looked like just an
ordinary student. She wasn't flamboyant ... she didn't
act like a big celebrity or anything."

Granted Shakira may have disguised herself with one
of those glasses with the fake nose and mustache, but
shouldn't certain other things raise some flags? Like
only going by one name or being a Colombian that's
taking the class "for her own enlightenment and
enjoyment?" If the professor didn't even notice that
gigantic ass attached to her body, we can at least
agree that Shakira certainly wasn't the
flamboyant one.

Bloggle Vision: Undead Edition

2007-09-14T10:58:00.001-07:00

"Bloggle Vision" is a weekly, speculative column on topics as near as a day in the future up to as far away as a year. Remember to check back on each entry to see how close the predictions ended up being.

a) This Sunday is WWE's Unforgiven. It's a given that Undertaker will win in his return match against Mark Henry. But will it end there? I say this feud goes on a bit longer and caps off at Survivor Series in some type of stipulation match. I predict a Buried Alive match. I'm also thinking John Cena will lose the belt again Randy Orton in what should be a bloody match.

b) Kotaku reports that Capcom will be making three huge announcements at next week's Tokyo Game Show. One of them will be multiplayer on Resident Evil 5. Another will be a sequel to Dead Rising. The third will be the lifting of exlusivity for various PS3 and Xbox 360 titles.

c) Bloody-Disgusting.com reveals possible sequel news from an interview with George A. Romero. Romero said that if "Diary of the Dead" is successful, then the Weinsteins will want him to write another movie. This will in fact happen because I will do what it takes to bring up the box office sales.

Bionic Woman Needs Work

2007-09-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

The Daily Mail writes that Demi Moore is unhappy with her career opportunities as a result of her age. Moore said:

"It's been a challenging few years, being the age I am. Almost to the point where I felt like, well, they don't know what to do with me. I am not 20. Not 30.

There aren't that many good roles for women over 40. A lot of them don't have much substance, other than being someone's mother or wife."

That's probably because women over 40 are usually mothers or wives. What type of role is she interested in that doesn't involve being a mother or a wife? Is it a cheerleader? A grad student? It's funny that Demi Moore isn't interested in playing that type of role because along comes a young starlet like Jessica Alba who's interested in playing a mother AND a wife. In an interview about continuing the Fantastic Four franchise, Alba said:

“I think the next thing we have to go through is having a baby. That’s what happens next,” Alba reiterated to MTV News last week. “Franklin comes along and the Fantastic Four have to deal with this powerful new child.”

I understand Moore's complaint about ageism but I can't recall ever lauding her acting skills in films like "Striptease" or "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle." She's a woman that's spent thousands of dollars on procedures like liposuction, breast implants, and collagen injections. I have a feeling it has less to do with age than it does her thinking she's entitled to roles strictly due to her sex appeal.

Bale Snakes Toward Metal Gear

2007-09-12T23:34:00.000-07:00

The latest issue of the U.K. Magazine, Nuts, has an interview with Christian Bale. Bale mentions that he is vying for the role of Solid Snake in the upcoming film version of "Metal Gear Solid."

Seems like a good sign if the goddamned Batman is one of the possible choices for the lead character. Makes you wonder who else is eager to become the tank busting, stealth sneaking, ninja beating, chain smoking and cardboard box wearing Snake. And yes, I do realize that the posted image is of Bale in a Snake Eater type environment. I'd rather put him in a picture with Eva than with someone like Otacon or Raiden.

Dick In A Box Results In Golden Shower

2007-09-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

Just when I think that I've had enough of award shows, thanks in no small part to this year's craptastic MTV Video Music Awards, the Emmy Awards manage to grab my attention. USA Today reports that the SNL Digital Short, Dick in a Box, was awarded an Emmy. Andy Samberg, Dick in a Box co-creator, said:

"I think it's safe to say that when we first set out to make this song, we were all thinking 'Emmy!'" Samberg said in accepting the award Saturday for best original music and lyrics.

"The other thing we were thinking was, 'Hey! Here's this young up and comer, Justin Timberlake, who is clearly very talented and could clearly use a break,'" Samberg said. "So, Justin, if you're out there, congrats to you, kid.'"

Not to knock on the award winners, because they deserve it, but they were clearly pandering to judges. One of the other nominees for the award was the "Scrubs" song, Guy Love. Just including a banana hammock in your footage results in an automatic Emmy consideration. Seeing Justin Timberlake in a goatee made it a no-brainer for the judging panel.

Tila For The Fn' Win

2007-09-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

See what I did for the headline? Everyone reporting on this story tried to do a play off of "Tequila." Not me, though. I went old school since she used to go by her last name of "Nguyen." Anyways, have you ever watched "Flavor of Love" and "I Love New York" and wondered why they don't just combine the hijinks done by the male and female participants into a single super show? Wonder no more. Tila Tequila (in case you can't tell the difference between Asians, she's the one on the right) will be debuting a new reality dating show on MTV later this fall. Tila writes:

These guys and girls won't know that I am bisexual until I reveal to them both later on the show....and from then on....it's all Craziness and drama and sexy times all on my new journey to find true love as a bisexual! WHEW! Is this crazy or what????? May the better sex win my love! My new tv show is called "A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA" there will be 10 episodes and each show is 1 full hour each!!!!

Kudos to Ms. Tequila for promoting diversity on television of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. The world needs to be more tolerant of hawt bisexuals looking for a good time. Hopefully Tila will also prove how kewl azns are. Just looking at Tila makes me want to spike and dye my hair, drive a rice rocket, go to import shows, own a xanga page, grow my pinky nail out, and play "Starcraft" and "Counter-Strike" at a Korean-run Internet cafe. I shudder to think what kind of society we'd be without people like her.

Bloggle Vision: Round 1

2007-09-06T01:18:00.000-07:00

"Bloggle Vision" is a weekly, speculative column on topics as near as a day in the future up to as far away as a year. Remember to check back on each entry to see how close the predictions ended up being.

a) The season finale of "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?" airs tonight on Sci-Fi. The final two competitors will be The Defuser and Hyper-Strike. Stan Lee will choose The Defuser because he conforms better to Lee's writing style.

b) WWE Monday Night Raw revealed that Mr. Kennedy is not Mr. McMahon's illegitimate son. His son will be revealed next Monday night. It will still end up being Mr. Kennedy despite the attempt at a swerve. This is based on the clue, "things are looking up." Mr. Kennedy's microphone drops down from the ceiling.

c) "Grand Theft Auto IV" is still set to be released around Quarter 2 of next year (it ends on April 30, 2008). The game's more realistic tone will probably rule out the appearance of a jet pack device. In order to allow the player to explore as much of the massive urban environment as possible, Nico will be skilled at parkour.

d) Production for the live action "Street Fighter" movie is to begin in early 2008. Since the plot centers around Chun-Li and is directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak ("Cradle 2 the Grave"), it will pretty much be a rip-off of female revenge films like "Kill Bill" and "The Brave One."

Hot Cops On The Case

2007-09-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

Engadget has an article about a Chicago policeman that caught a criminal while using a Segway. Engadget said:

Whilst patrolling the streets and enjoying the summer breeze, the officer heard shots fired and decided to wheel over and see what the commotion was all about. Sure enough, the baddies were found scurrying away from the scene of a crime, and while one suspect managed to escape, the other wasn't so fortunate.

The apprehended suspect better be prepared for the imminent "pounding" that awaits in jail. There are some humuliating reasons to find yourself in the slammer. Getting arrested by an officer on a Segway will put you on the bitch list considerably faster than the 12.5 mph top speed of the vehicle itself.

The Driver Of Japanese Industry

2007-09-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Anime is a big business right? We go to anime conventions where people buy truckloads of stuff. Isn't it as popular in Japan?

In Japan, anime makes 2 trillion yen a year in profit. However, also in Japan, love hotels (hotels that charge by an hourly rate, and tend to contain sexual aids and enhancements in the rooms), clear 4 trillion yen a year in profit.

Some other factoids to consider:

1% of the entire Japanese propulation checks into a love hotel each day. With a population of around 130 million, that would be 1.3 million.

Half of all sex in Japan is had in love hotels. Seriously, people pay for the privilege of having sex. Well, not so much different here, I suppose. I guess the vast majority of Japanese are having affairs, which necessitates the need to get out of the house.

Original Story Here

Cloverfield Roar

2007-08-30T23:43:00.000-07:00

What you just heard was the sound of the monster roar from the still unnamed Cloverfield project of J.J. Abrams. What's there to say about it? Does it sound like a giant monster? Would it send chills down your spine if you heard it following a power outage while you were in New York City? All I know is the buzz for this movie is going downhill fast. It's probably for the better since the last time a giant monster was hyped down our throats, we got the "Godzilla" remake. That movie was so shitty that its clips have been reused for a Doritos commercial. If you just can't wait until January to see a towering behemoth tear apart a city, you can always catch the dragon orgy that is "D-War" on September 14.

NASA Knows Its Priorities

2007-08-28T22:02:00.001-07:00

NASA will do its duty of honoring the 30th anniversary of "Star Wars" by sending Luke Skywalker's lightsaber into space. It will be carried on the space shuttle Discovery during its October launch. Chewbacca and other Star Wars characters will hand off the lighsaber in a ceremony at Oakland International Airport. But that's not all. IGN said:

This will be followed by a spectacular departure aboard a Southwest Airlines flight as Chewbacca and his galactic friends help push back the airplane on the tarmac.

Once the flight lands in Houston, Stormtroopers will help escort the lightsaber off the plane as R2-D2 and other famous Star Wars characters kick-off the second half of the celebration at Gate 47 in William P. Hobby Airport.

The fanfare will conclude outside baggage claim where the lightsaber will be transported by a caravan of Hummers with an official City of Webster police escort to NASA's Space Center Houston where it will be secured inside the lunar vault.

Talk about overkill for an inanimate object. National heroes and world leaders don't get that kind of respect and protection. It's ironic that the entire journey leads up to the prized artifact being loaded onto a vehicle that's been known to explode in the atmosphere. Twice. Sure, the chance of an explosion happening are low, but the Empire thought the same way when it built the Death Star. Twice.

Hollywood/Hasbro Whoring

2007-08-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

Even before "Transformers" came out this year, the creatively bankrupt Hollywood studios have been looking for existing properties to turn into the next feature film. With the success of "Transformers" along with other films like the "Pirates of the Caribbean" trilogy, it should come as no suprise that G.I. Joe is next in line. Variety says:

The accelerated production schedule began right after Sommers pitched his version of the film to Par chairman-CEO Brad Grey and production prexy Brad Weston on Wednesday evening. He was hired in the room.

I'm guessing that meeting was just Sommers saying how much money Transformers made, followed by him dumping a box of G.I. Joe toys on top of the table.

You know, we all have a good laugh joking about other possible properties to turn into movies. Some are even talented enough to make comedic skits like the one posted above. We think to ourselves, "surely they wouldn't make a movie out of (fill in the blank) because that would be ridiculous." But then Variety validates those thoughts with this chilling statement:

WMA is also helping Hasbro with possible movies based on such properties as the board games "Monopoly" and "Battleship."

Wow.

Justice League Might Be Awesome

2007-08-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

IESB has recently been posting some interesting updates about the upcoming Justice League film. Their first interesting nugget on Friday:

Yes there will be motion capture used in the film but it will not be an all out “motion capture production.” Heavy motion capture will be used for the OMACs, the underwater sequences and such. So, all in all, this will be a traditionally made film with some motion capture characters, pretty much like every big fantasy movie these days.

And the second:

But, I am telling you, we have triple checked this out and all indications are that Tom Welling in fact is a go on the WB side. I rechecked with my sources and they are all still saying yes, yes Tom Welling, yes Justice League, yes production starts early next year and yes Smallville will have to work around it.

You know, there's been so many different incarnations of the Justice League that have appeared in comics, various animated series, and on "Smallville." The only way the feature film will break new ground is through casting. Tom Welling would be a good start. I say they take advantage of the CGI and make Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman look like Adam West, Christopher Reeves, and Linda Carter, respectively. Of course doing so would result in one of two things. Either the entire geek community would let out a collective simultaneous orgasm or the film would end up as a creepy zombie fest of lifeless looking characters. Given the track record of photo-realistic CGI, it would probably end up turning into the zombie fest.

NBC Bringing Flexy Back

2007-08-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

Variety reports that NBC plans on bringing "American Gladiators" back to television for midseason. While I was a big time fan of the show back in the day, I don't think my enthusiasm is anywhere near that of the masterminds behind the return:

"We've been circling around this property for a long time now," said Craig Plestis, exec VP of alternative programming, development and specials at NBC Entertainment. "It's truly what's not in the TV landscape right now. While everyone's zigging, I'm attracted to doing a zag."

Plestis said he was particularly interested in the original U.K. version of "Gladiators," which focused even more on the characters and the behind-the-scenes stories of common folk going up against the show's powerful stars. The new "Gladiators," he said, "will have the scale, scope, different characters and family drama that the U.K. version had."

"We're not going to completely reinvent the wheel here," he said. "But we're making it better, faster and stronger."

MGM Worldwide TV co-prexy Jim Packer gave his thoughts as well:

"The timing to bring the franchise back is perfect, and NBC is the ideal home," Packer said. "It's a very big, grandiose type of show."

Circling? Attracted to doing a zag? Better, faster and stronger? Big and grandiose? My subtext detector readings are off the charts! I bet if I asked these guys to describe the meeting that generated this idea they would describe it as "a series of back and forth ejaculations of material from our throbbing heads."

Fan Receives Free Replica Of Han Solo In Carbonite, Replaces Solo's Head With Own

2007-08-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

Meet Rob. According to Rob, one of his friends was trying to get rid of a life-size replica of the Han Solo frozen in carbonite prop from the original Star Wars trilogy. Rob said:

I screamed a huge lispy "Yes!", and picked it up, but knew I wanted to do something cool with it. So I called my other nerdy special effects pals, and they offered to replace Harrison Ford's face with mine. I was so tired of hearing this offer in my daily life, but decided to finally consider it, so off it went.

It's a well known fact that Harrison Ford, who's been referred to as the sexiest man alive, possesses good looks so radiant that they can melt a person's face off if exposed for prolonged amounts of time. George Lucas was aware of this, and ingeniously came up with the idea to put Han in carbonite to limit Ford's physical exposure to the rest of the cast and crew.

Rob, as you can tell by the picture, also bears the curse of handsomeness. By adopting the plan Lucas came up with, regular people now have a way of looking upon Rob's magnificent visage without fear of their eyes bursting.

The Swiss Love Frisbee, Neutrality

2007-08-21T22:44:00.001-07:00

Like the Koreans to Starcraft and the Brazilians to Gunbound, the Swiss love their frisbee games. They love frisbee so much that they'll even use other disc-like objects when one is not available. They'll even use a heavy, metal explosive device that's meant to knock out tanks. Ananova has a story of two Swiss students that played frisbee with a land mine. The article says:

Lukas Aider, 20, and Christoph Kurz, 19, took a plunge in the Danube river in Budapest when they found the mine and began their potentially lethal game.

A lifeguard watching stopped them and immediately called the police.

A bomb squad then arrived to make safe what turned out to be an old Soviet 6 kilogrammes anti-tank mine.

There are huge campaigns that are meant to bring land mine awareness to war torn areas like Bosnia. They even feature well-known characters like Superman or Bugs Bunny warning about the dangers of these weapons. So of course Switzerland, with its long history of neutrality, would be home to people with complete ignorance of the dangers of land mines. Do the Swiss finally understand the dangers of adopting neutrality?

"With enemies, you know where they stand, but with neutrals—who knows. It sickens me."
-Zapp Brannigan

You Can't Come Back To Life Unless The Government Says It's Okay

2007-08-19T15:51:00.001-07:00

Original Story here

China has passed a law making it illegal for Buddhist monks living outside China to seek reincarnation without permission from the government.

Of course, the purpose of this law is to attempt to diminish the influence of the Dalai Lama and Tibet. However, in this case the joke writes itself; one can't help but marvel at the absurdity of this.

Biel Takes Lead In Hottest Jessica Contest

2007-08-17T23:34:00.000-07:00

The stalemate between Jessicas Biel, Alba, and Simpson over who's the hottest Jessica ended this week. Fresh from her eye-popping appearance in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Jessica Biel will be shedding even more clothing in her upcoming film, Powder Blue. According to a Page Six source, Biel "signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see - including shots of her breasts and butt." She'll be playing a stipper trying to raise money for her terminally ill son.

Not only does Biel gain more points this week, but Simpson and Alba lose a couple. Jessica Simpson broke her nose while filming her movie, Major Movie Star. As for Jessica Alba, more promotional material is being released for her upcoming romantic comedy, Good Luck Chuck, with the increasingly annoying Dane Cook. Despite the turn of events, the competition is by no means over. It will end only when the Jessicas settle their differences in a decathlon type challenge that includes pillow fighting, pole dancing, and oil wrestling.

Hitman Could Have Killed Me Twice, By Now

2007-08-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

Somehow, I was completely oblivious to the fact that 20th Century Fox had made a movie of the video game Hitman. Usually I catch things like this early, but I only heard about this one because it’s coming out in two months time. Jesus Christ. Where were you on that one, Extra-Sensory Perception On The Release Of New Movies?

After viewing the trailer, I’m not sure what to think. We don’t really get much, other than the fact that it looks like they took the basic plot of the game, and tried to recreate a lot of visuals. Unfortunately, watching the trailer also reminded me that any white man who shaves his head invariably ends up looking like a giant thumb. No, really. Watch the trailer, and you'll see what I'm talking about. You'll spend half the time wondering where the rest of the hand is hiding.

But hey, a movie where a giant thumb shoots a ton of people? That could be cool.

Jurassic Park Still Not Extinct

2007-08-14T22:39:00.001-07:00

Bloody-Disgusting has the latest details on the upcoming "Jurassic Park" sequel. Laura Dern will be reprising her role as Dr. Ellie Sattler although Sam Neill won't be returning as Dr. Alan Grant. I wonder if it's because the plot has to do with the government training dinosaurs to carry weapons for use in battle. This many movies in, and people never realize how dangerous dinosaurs are. Robert Muldoon, from the original "Jurassic Park," was the only character that had the right idea.

Muldoon would say, "They should all be destroyed." He would scream fanatically, "Shoot her! Shoot her!" And he would finally ask, "What about the lysine contingency? We could put that into effect."

Alas, his words fell on deaf ears. Because whether it's for money, scientific study, or exploitation, nobody wants to kill a dinosaur. Even Muldoon, the most anti-dinosaur person on the planet, could only muster a "clever girl" quip and shoot wildly into the air before being devoured by a velociraptor.

Matt Damon?

2007-08-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

Matt Damon will be playing himself on a September 3 episode of "Arthur" on PBS. Except it won't really be himself. It's an animated version of Matt Damon. With bear ears. And a pink critter nose. And a coat of brown fur all over his body. And he's wearing a muscle shirt with a pink phallic building drawn on it. One can only wonder what kind of a stir this image is making among certain portions of the Internet community.

Jean Grey Is Insane

2007-08-12T23:04:00.001-07:00

What I'm really enjoying right now is Jean Grey's portrayal in Ultimate X-Men. In the original Marvel Universe stories, an alien entity known as the Phoenix put Jean in suspended animation and lived out her life for a brief period of time. The Phoenix became corrupted by its own power, killed a billion aliens, and ended up committing suicide to atone for its sins. Some time afterwards, a clone of Jean appeared, named Madelyne Pryor. Madelyne was Cyclops's love interest until he left her for the real deal. This was after the two of them had a baby, which would later grow up to become Cable. Madelyne goes insane and makes a deal with some demons to become the Goblin Queen. Just like the Phoenix, she ends up killing herself.

The Ultimate Universe re-imagines these two convoluted concepts by simply making Jean bat shit crazy. Why have multiple versions of one character go nuts when all you need is one? This version of Jean sees little goblins whenever she uses her telekinetic abilities. In the latest issue of Ultimate X-Men, the Phoenix appears to Jean as a flaming female entity and tries to possess her with a fiery, naked, and possibly romantic embrace. Each month I'm expecting Jean to just shave her head and start hitting vehicles with an umbrella. If she gets killed off, it should in an equally outrageous fashion as her life. I'm thinking something like keeling over in public from a drug overdose and then choking on her own vomit.

Worst. Burglary. Ever.

2007-08-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

Probably not the worst, but certainly one of the lamest heists a criminal could pull. Ralph's Comic Corner in Ventura, California was robbed Tuesday morning by burglars that came through the store's ceiling. At least the manager knows that this is more of a nuisance than an actual crime. Mike Sterling says:

We were lucky with this latest robbery, for the most part...according to the alarm company records, about one minute elapsed between the motion detector picking up something moving in the store and registering the opening of the back door. So the burglar (or burglars - who knows?) spent one panicked minute running around our shop in the dark, burglar alarm blaring, searching through the glass cases for something to take until they decided on Witchblade, Spawn, some variant covers, and a few other recent books.

So instead of emptying the register, grabbing the rare comics collection, or even taking any of the overpriced comic related merchandise the burglar(s) settled for the "cool" looking comics. Seriously now, Witchblade? Spawn? Since when have those properties been popular enough to warrant burglary? I estimate the potential loot to be worth less than a hundred dollars. And that's if the criminal(s) aren't dumb enough to try selling the stuff back to the same store. They probably could've made more by roughing up some middle school kids for their money.

This really should come as no surprise for those familiar with how lame Ventura county is. You see, Ventura is populated by people like former Iowa residents and creepy middle aged men that make out with fourteen year olds at a Bloodhound Gang concert. It's only a matter of time before these geniuses are caught. And where they're going, they'll soon be turned into collector's items.

(cue music)

Piss-Screen Game Makes A Splash With Germans

2007-08-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Forget the PS3, the Xbox 360, and even the Wii. They're nothing but pitiful tinkles when compared to the frothy stream of revolutionary gaming that is the Piss-Screen! The official website says:

The Piss-Screen - a pressure-sensitive inlay set within urinals, enabling users to play while they pee. We installed this newfangled creation in male restrooms across Frankfurt, teaming up with a variety of bars, clubs and cafés. The game itself was displayed on a screen above each urinal, and would automatically start as soon as someone began to pee. The player could then control the car whilst relieving himself – if they wanted the car to go right, they simply peed to the right (and visa versa).

Did you know that Germans like to drink? I know I didn't. Evidently, drinking and driving has become such a problem that a group of developers took it upon themselves to come up with a way to curb the habit. And that's the story behind the greatest gaming system known to man.

Of course, women are once again left out of the loop since they don't have a version to play in their respective restrooms. I think it's pretty obvious why. They a) can't drive to begin with and b) suck at videogames. I'm sure if they wanted to play the Piss-Screen badly enough, they could partake in some improvised multiplayer action. The guy watches the road while the girl handles his junk. Wow, the Piss-Screen is a pretty good driving simulator as well!

Gamestop Hates Quality, Punches Babies

2007-08-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

The last part of that title may not be true, but I wouldn’t be surprised, after how true the first part is. Let me tell you a story.

It’s a story about a guy we’ll call Bob. Bob plays Halo 2 competitively, and knows that you need to play it on the original Xbox, because the 360 emulation for Halo 2 blows goats. As anyone who plays games competitively knows, having the appropriate controller makes a world of difference – if you play with some whack-ass controller that was made in Nigeria from sticks and cow dung, you’re going to have some difficulty. Bob learned that with few exceptions, 3rd party Xbox controllers suck more dick than Mr. Cheney’s wife. After having the thumbsticks of a controller literally disintegrate in his hands, Bob swore to only use Official Microsoft Xbox controllers.

The problem Bob encountered was that these were becoming increasingly hard to come by. Without resorting to eBay, it was near impossible to find them new, but relatively possible to find them used at local game stores. One of the game stores that offers used merchandise is the demon-spawn known as Gamestop. Bob had been to this store before, so he figured he’d give it a try. Hey, the store said all of its used merchandise was 100% Guaranteed! Hard to get much better than that, right?

So Bob bought a used controller, and took it home. He plugged it into his Xbox, and turned on Halo. After the game loaded, he discovered that his character was spinning in a circle like a satanic top. Upon some inspection of his controller, he discovered that both joysticks were broken. Surprised, he returned the controller to Gamestop, and asked for another one. They exchanged it, Bob took it home, and discovered that the Y Button on this one was broken. He took it back, got a new one, and discovered that the Left Trigger on this one didn’t function.

After making some polite inquiries with the end of a blunt object, it was admitted to Bob that Gamestop did not actually test any of the used merchandise they received. None of it. You could sell them a fucking Xbox with a brick inside, and they’d smile and put it on the shelf the next day. How in the hell is this a 100% Guarantee? Because it’s 100% Guaranteed to have been dropped from a two story building by its previous owner before being sold?

I’m sorry, I have to stop writing this. I need to go shit on my Xbox, then sell it to Gamestop. I know they’ll buy it, and then sell it right back to people dumb enough to buy used merchandise from that fucking store.

Vegansexuals: Don't Hate The Player, Hate The Game

2007-08-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

What do you call someone that says he or she doesn't want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies are made up of animal carcasses? "Crazy," "judgmental," "hypocritical," and "moronic" seem to work pretty well. Ask me on the right day and I'll even accept "moral." Only problem is those terms are too typical. You need something that will catch reader attention and hopefully get people to think that you're a leading expert on these types of people. Maybe you can even get other to think that you've discovered a totally new breed of human by inventing a word. How about "vegansexual?"

That's exactly what you'll find in a story from New Zealand's Christchurch Press about these so called vegansexuals. The articles says:

The co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University, Annie Potts, said she coined the term after doing research on the lives of "cruelty-free consumers".

Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians and other Ethical Consumers asked 157 people nationwide about everything from battery chickens to sexual preferences.

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses.

"It's a whole new thing – I have not come across it before," said Potts.

People that choose the lifestyle described above don't bother me. Logically speaking, they probably wouldn't be into oral so it's not like I'm missing out. On a side note, I tried looking for an image of a sexy vegan for this post but failed miserably.

What bothers me are people like Annie Potts that just have to coin a term so they can be known for something, even if it's as ridiculous as naming percentage of a percentage of people. Based on Potts's research, a group of less than 157 people is all it takes to be considered a totally different type of vegan, let alone a newly discovered sexual lifestyle.

You know why Potts hasn't "come across it before?" There's no such thing as a vegansexual. But there is such a thing as people that choose not to have sex with a particular person for whatever reason they see fit. It's called having standards. Incidentally, people also need to have standards for word usage because there's no need to go come up with new buzzwords to describe every little phenomenon they come across. Just file it under the weird column. You'll know what I mean after reading some of the quotes from various people in that article.

A Street With No Name...

2007-08-04T02:57:00.000-07:00

Well I figure I'd give it at least a year before it loses its name. The street that I'm talking about is NAFTA's I-69. It's a toll road from Mexico to Canada, but who the hell cares? It's 69 baby. This beauty is going to be 1430 miles of Interstate signs prime for the picking. The perfect sign to decorate your room right next to One Way and below "your name" Ave. Every college student and hell any man who's looking for the perfect answer to "What's your sign" will be taking a road trip once this baby opens up. It has been said that this road will bring together the cost effective Mexico to the assembly lines in Canada. All I can think of is latin spice and some fair skinned hot Canadians. A multicultural three way between our ladies to the north and those to the south. Fun for all and the signs prove it. Thank you NAFTA, or whoever thought the interstate we were missing was a little INTERstate 69. Giggidy Giggidy!

Mickey Mouse And The Last Resort

2007-08-03T23:01:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite comic related columns has to be Brian Cronin's Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed. This week, he shows a series of Mickey Mouse comic strips concerned entirely with Mickey trying and hilariously failing at killing himself. Why that gosh darn mouse messes everything up from shooting himself in the face, jumping off a bridge, drowning in a lake, suffocating from gas, or hanging from a tree. The entire story arc can be read here, courtesy of Barnacle Press.

What's surprising is that although most of the Mickey Mouse comic strips were done by Floyd Gottfredson, it was Walt Disney himself that came up with the idea of Mickey attempting suicide. While it might seem a little twisted for Walt Disney's sense of humor, keep in mind that the uncut version of "Steamboat Willie" had Mickey chucking some piglets away from a mother pig so he can play music with her teats. So now you know why Mickey Mouse is such a hardcore character in the "Kingdom Hearts" series.

Ethan Haas Is Full Of Shit

2007-08-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

So August 1 rolls around. Let's all point our browser to www.ethanhaaswasright.com, right? Oh wait, no, they're late. Give it a day.

I come back today, and click "Yes, I'm ready."

I'm linked to www.alphaomegathegame.com? It's a... tabletop RPG? That's IT?!

If you didn't know, it turns out the Ethan Haas thing and the Cloverfield project have NOTHING in common. It was just coincidence they started on the same day.

But what the hell did all of that "They're coming" shit have to with anything? The game... has no point. It was to sell us a FUCKING TABLETOP RPG.

Understandably, people on their forums are pissed as all hell.

Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed to 2008

2007-08-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

Noooooooooooo!

*sniff*

So much for my big incentive to buy an XBox 360 this year. I suppose now I can wait until Microsoft starts building units that don't catch fire and explode. Strauss Zelnick, Chairman of Take-Two, said:

"Certain elements of development proved to be more time-intensive than expected, especially given the commitment for a simultaneous release on two very different platforms," said Take-Two chairman Strauss Zelnick in a statement.

This never would have happened if Rockstar didn't have to develop the game for that oversized fail-machine PS3. Between the Wii's backward graphical capabilities, the XBox's hardware issues, and the PS3's severe lack of titles, it would just be nice to hear some good news once in a while.

Zombies. 'Nuff Said.

2007-08-01T23:19:00.000-07:00

More news continues to flow from last week's Comic Con. You know what they say. When theres no more room in hell for the makers of crappy zombie films, then the dead will walk the earth under the vision of George Romero and Max Brooks. CBR says:

Shot entirely on subjective camera and security camera footage, "Diary of the Dead" will follow the story of a group of college students experiencing the first night of a zombie breakout. "That's what this one is, it's about a bunch of college kids that were out doing a school project when the shit hits the fan."

When asked what inspired the premise behind "Diary," Romero explained that he makes his movies based on what he sees in today's world. "'Land' is about the Bush Administration basically," Romero said. "And 'Diary' is about YouTube."

As for Brooks, his book, "World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War," is in the process of being adapted into a feature film.

It's comforting to know that there are still some great zombie movies in the works. They'll be like the simple yet always overlooked head shot needed to destroy the rotting, undead corpses of the "Resident Evil" and "House of the Dead" films.

Morbo Demands You Watch The Following

2007-07-31T22:53:00.000-07:00

Seriously, there's no telling if footage of the Futurama panel at San Diego Comic Con will be taken down. But aside from news about its imminent return, the cast did a table read of the free Futurama comic that was given to the attendees. The comic itself is about the crew's experience with cancellation, reruns, and such. It's one of the most postmodern things you can experience right now.

I would've gone to Comic Con for this reason alone but the event is progressively becoming more inaccessible. With the overcrowding, tickets unavailable at the door, and steep prices, Comic Con might well be on its way to becoming the next E3. By that, I mean getting so wild and exclusive that the geek energies within cause it to implode and sink into the ocean. Think that final scene in Spider-Man 2 but with thousands of physically and socially awkward people.

Hulk Franchise Getting Fresh Coat Of Green Paint

2007-07-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

This image was released at Comic-Con, to build hype for the upcoming Incredible Hulk remake starring Ed Norton. I know that "reimagining" a superhero movie franchise is all the rage these days. It worked for Batman and Superman - but isn't there a minimum time frame required before you completely scrap the last movie and start all over? I think we can all agree that the last Hulk movie sucked pretty bad. Nobody is arguing with that. But seriously, it feels like it just came out yesterday. Are they even allowed to do that? Did they call do-over on Hulk?

If Batman Begins is any indication of what's to come, we might be seeing a darker, moodier Hulk movie with more character-driven plot and a lot less nipple action. Also, with Ed Norton as the lead, I can't get the image of Ol' Green Jeans providing some brutal curb-biting justice, American History X-style. But I guess that's too much to hope for.

Jasman Toys Scores A Running Riot

2007-07-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

News from the San Diego Comic Con reveals that Jasman Toys will be releasing Covenant weapons in conjunction with the arrival of Halo 3 in October. Their press release says:

For every Halo™ fan that has fantasized about being part of the action, Jasman Toys introduces its line of Halo 3 Covenant Weapons with Laser Pursuit technology! Bring all the action of the popular video game to life with these full-size replica weapons that perform just like the ones in the game: vibration, sounds, lights and recoil, all packaged into heavy metal and plastic bodies. These realistic weapons even offer the most intricate features; when the Plasma Rifle “overheats,” the heat exchange flanges pop open! An infrared beam and target register hits on an LCD counter, allowing you to recreate the game with friends; capture the flag, team battle, free-for-all. The possibilities are endless! Find out who has what it takes to be Master Chief.

Now this is what I'm talking about. While it might seem a bit steep with the plasma rifle going for $120 and the plasma pistol going for $80, you gotta realize how much better a game of laser tag is when compared to playing against people online. Just try imagining how things like pistol whipping someone from behind or corpse humping translates to real life. And like, you can use a bowling ball for Assault. And for vehicles, you can try using a jeep as a Warthog. And instead of using the laser features, you rig the weapons to fire off airsoft pellets. I'm just saying, the possibility of physical injury makes any game infinitely more intense.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

2007-07-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

Times have been tough for a street performer such as myself. What with living statues, break dancing children, and Britney Spears all competing for everyone's attention, I needed something special to spice up my "Political Reviolution" violin act. Thank God for Wei Lieh Lee. With this little baby, people will start taking me seriously.

Although, it still doesn't do much considering the blazing summer weather. I'm thinking of taking my act over to a place with higher foot traffic and air conditioning. Someplace like the mall or even better, the airport. Come see me play the violin! I'll be wearing sunglasses and a black trench coat!

Spreading The Message Of Okkusenman

2007-07-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

Anyone that's played the Megaman series can tell you how great the music is. The music from Megaman 2's Dr. Wily Stage 1 is one of the more popular songs used for remixing. It's hard to say if anyone expected that the song would reach further levels of awesomeness by simply adding lyrics. That's how Okkusenman was created and unleashed upon an unsuspecting Japan. The lyrics are basically about childhood memories and getting courage from Ultraman. That's not what really matters.

Like most memes, what makes Okkusenman so great are the many different incarnations that continue to appear. Aside from the typical karaoke style, there are renditions done in death metal, with a choir and orchestra, and even the Mario Paint musical application. The live performances are especially awesome considering how one lead singer went all out by wearing a Megaman costume. My personal favorite would have to be the rendition done by these women. Then again, I have a thing for hot Asian women singing catchy tunes. It's too bad that the only people in the United States that try adding new lyrics to already rocking instrumentals are "artists" like Diddy and Will Smith. At least they aren't butchering the songs of our childhood cartoons and videogames.

Credit needs to be given to Shawn over at Digital Monkey Box for doing extensive research on Okkusenman over the past year.

Child Neglect Bridges Gap Between Jocks And Nerds

2007-07-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

Jocks and nerds may not be so different after all. A pair of hardcore Green Bay Packers fans locked their 7-year-old boy in his room with a loaf of bread, peanut butter, jelly, and a bucket to use as a bathroom while they went to a local casino to watch Packers games. The kid would be responsible for cleaning the bucket. Not to be outdone by the sports nuts, another pair of parents neglected their 22-month-old son and 11-month-old daughter to the point of near death. The children were suffering from infection, dehydration, starvation, and muscular atrophy. The parents were evidently too distracted while playing Dungeons and Dragons online to properly care for their kids.

Aside from their dedication to child neglect, the parents do share some other interesting tidbits. Let's start with the football fanatics:

Hardrath's sister estimated after the hearing that the couple has acquired close to $1 million worth of Packers stuff over the years.

And now the gamers:

The couple reportedly spent a $50,000 inheritance on computer equipment and a plasma television.

These people may be morally bankrupt, but they aren't exactly poor. I'd like to think that because they're a little rich, they would be less inclined to sell their children in order to gain more money to spend on their respective hobbies. But then again, they'd probably eat their kids so they wouldn't have to waste precious dollars on groceries.

Kelly Brook Is Hotter Than You

2007-07-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

As if women didn't have enough reasons to be ashamed of their bodies, The Mirror came out with an article that names Kelly Brook as the living embodiment of natural beauty. The article even lists her attributes along with the scientific reasoning as to why they make her perfect:

THE HAIR

Kelly has been blessed with naturally long, thick chestnut curls. Hair extensions are definitely not required. Shiny locks have long been a marker of health and therefore make a woman instantly more attractive to men.

THE FACE

Dr Ben Jones of Aberdeen University's Face Laboratory said: "Men from all cultures are drawn to a babyish face with big eyes and arched eyebrows which seem consistent with high oestrogen levels." Kelly ticks all the boxes.

THE BOOBS

Her 34E bust has no need of a silicone boost. But there are plenty of women who would kill for such curves...or at least pay a plastic surgeon to get them. One, Lisa Sacks says many of her clients beg her for boobs just like Kelly's.

THE WAIST

"Super-beautiful" women have waists a third smaller than their hips and three-quarters their bust measurement, say researchers at the University of Gdansk in Poland. There's no doubt, Kelly really shapes up in this area.

THE HIPS

Researchers at the University of Texas say the perfect woman's hip to waist ratio is 0.7 - her exact measurements. And no fellas, we don't know how you can get a job in the lucky depar tment where they carry out such studies.

THE LEGS

At 5ft 8in tall she has longer pins than the average woman which makes her, according to experts at the University of Gdansk, more beautiful. These guys clearly know their stuff.

While I do agree with Kelly Brook's sex appeal, this research is missing some vital statistics. If you were to look for an example of the perfect physical specimen, you might as well go all out on the research. How long is her tongue? Where is she pierced? Does her skin bruise easily from physical activities like spanking? How does she look when when wet? How about covered in honey? Bent over? Upside down? Or most importantly, the morning after in bed? These questions need to be answered and I'm more than willing to volunteer my services to find out.

What Did The Five Fingers Say To The Face?

2007-07-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Say hello to Rose and Camellia. It's a flash game where the objective is to slap the taste out of your opponent's mouth. I have no idea why since the text is in Japanese but I don't really care. The controls are simple enough. You drag the attack and evade buttons in an arc across the screen. Time it properly, and you're well on your way to being the queen bitch of this manor. I can't stop playing this game. It's like Punch-Out, but better. Now if only the Japanese can make a game that's based around getting kicked in the nuts. Oh wait, they did.

Japanese Game Show - Kicked In The Nuts - The best home videos are here

Gunbound Gangsters Bound For Jail

2007-07-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

To many gamers around the world, Gunbound is simply a turn based shooting game. But for the top scorer, it wasn't all fun and games. The player, a native of Brazil, had his life threatened by a local gang. After luring him out to a planned date, the gang held the Gunbound player up at gunpoint in order to steal his account, which would then be sold to the highest bidder. Unfortunately for the gang, they were arrested before they could reach their mission objective. They forgot that crime doesn't pay. For these Brazilian punks, it's going to be game over.

So how were these criminals caught? I believe it had something to do with this:

Lia Elminated From Top Chef

2007-07-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

The #1 Cooking show on TV just lost another contestant. In this weeks episode, the contestants were asked to to create a dish for the cast and crew of a telenovela, a Mexican soap opera. Though most dishes were spicy and flavorful, Lia tried to get crazy and do a salmon fillet on a polenta. Turns out that not only is this not a Mexican dish, it was also gross. So long Lia, we shall miss you!

In good news, our winner was Howie with a braised pork dish served with an onion salsa. Even though he won this week, he gave his prize to Joey, thinking that Joey's dish was truly the best one of the day. The prize was only a bottle of wine but for all of us alcoholics...a bottle of wine is quite an awesome prize. :) This loss comes a mere week after losing the cutest contestant ever on Top Chef. If anyone responsible for the show is reading this...bring back Camille!

Harry Potter In The Chamber Of The BitTorrent

2007-07-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

One notable quality of the Internet is that it has a tendency to spoil things – movies, books, television shows…most anything really. It doesn’t matter if it hasn't come out yet “officially.” You can find it on the Internet, guaranteed.

Sure enough, the final Harry Potter book has been leaked to BitTorrent, four days before it was set to be released in stores. It started on PirateBay, but its spread to a number of other BitTorrent sites already.

I actually knew some friends who were placing bets on how soon the final Harry Potter book was going to be leaked onto the Internet. No one was naïve enough to believe that it would survive until its official release date – we knew what age we lived in, and knew that someone out there would find a way to leak it.

Stuff like this simultaneously makes me a little bit happy and then very sad. Happy, because I know that the Internet is such a resource that I can always find what I need. Sad, because I hate the feeling of things being spoiled. And the second thing that occurs right after things like this happen is that some doosh-nozzle goes around and makes it a personal mission to spoil the book for everyone possible. Does everybody remember the YouTube video of the guy driving past the line waiting for the previous Harry Potter book and screaming out the window a massive spoiler for the book, since he had found it out online? Stuff like that saddens me.

I suppose it may have been a bit hypocritical for me to use lines like “we knew what age we lived in,” but still feel remorse over things like this. The world will always be filled with assholes, and the Internet gives them so many opportunities to flex their sphincters.

My only request is that if you do read the book before its official release date, keep it to yourself. Don’t be a dick.

Scion The Sheeple Slayer

2007-07-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention Toyota's new Scion commercial when I went to go watch "Transformers." All the buzz over the movie itself and the Cloverfield trailer overshadowed this interesting little ad campaign.

In an attempt to make the Scion xD more appealing to the the youth market, ATTIK designed a campaign that channels Tim Burton and combines it with the interactive mayhem of videogames. The Little Deviant site serves as a short narrative game that puts you in the role of the demonic deviants. Your goal is to kill sheeple in various different ways so that you can collect their green blood to use as lubricant at the Scion factory. It's a fun little diversion similar to the games you can find on the Adult Swim website.

So does this make me want to buy a Scion? Not really. As much as I enjoy the idea of ripping apart cartoon sheeple with meat hooks, it doesn't change the fact that the Scion still looks like something only a pansy would drive.

Anime Expo Day 2

2007-07-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

AX Day 2

I arrived on the Sunday of Anime Expo, determined to explore artists' alley and find something of great interest there. It didn't take long.

A print caught my eye; it was Yomi from Azumanga Daioh being woken up, surprisedly, by the Burger King. Nice. I flipped through an artbook to find a print of Osaka from Azumanga Daioh giving the Canadian Destroyer to Chiyo, and Osaka dressed as AJ Styles. Somehow he had managed to meld pro wrestling and anime well. I bought all three prints, and proceeded to take a video of the artist. You can find his work at dragonshock.com and vectorstudios.com.

There was another wing of artists alley that housed all Japanese artists. I heard they came from some technical college. Their stuff was ridiculously leaps and bounds above the people they were sitting next to.

At 11 AM, I went to the DrMaster panel. DrMaster is notable for publishing the King of Fighters Taiwanese graphic novel in America. They also do other Taiwanese stuff, and manga like Iron Wok Jan. I wanted to see what they could tell me about any upcoming King of Fighters projects.

Within five minutes, it was clear these people had no idea what they were talking about. Not only could they not pronounce ANY of the author's names (I can forgive the inability to pronounce someone's name if they are foreign in most cases, but THEY ARE TRYING TO SELL SOMEONE'S FUCKING WORK HERE), but THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SOME OF THE BOOKS WERE ABOUT.

Let me repeat that. This is the industry's most prominent tradeshow.

THEY DID NOT KNOW WHAT THEY WERE SELLING.

There were about 25 or so people at this panel, and 5 of them were furiously taking notes, presumably for anime news websites.

After that, I went to the Shin Chan screening, where the English voice actors were going to do a short QA. Of course, the English voice actors no-showed, continuing the theme of the night.

The Atlus USA panel was full when I went to it, which was the last event I was interested in.

All in all, it's not an event I could recommend. Everything was too spread out, and there was no sense of camaraderie. Well, at the very least, there was some neat cosplay.

And this one's for you, Torrin.

Steven Seagal Readies To Kick Some More Ass

2007-07-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

The Associated Press has a story about how Steven Seagal is suing his former law firm for charging him excessive fees. The article says:

Nasso produced films with Seagal in the 1990s and was accused of trying to extort money from the actor after they dissolved their partnership, according to the suit.

Loeb & Loeb charged Seagal nearly $1.1 million, according to the court papers, filed Thursday.

Seagal paid about $500,000 but became skeptical and obtained a legal audit that determined he was "substantially overcharged," according to the lawsuit. Seagal is seeking at least $450,000 in general damages.

Steven Seagal? Extortion? Dissolved partnership? Large amounts of money? This has "action movie" written all over it. The only thing missing is a wise-cracking, yet street tough partner for Seagal. I'm thinking Xzibit. It can be called "Hard Knock Agency" and culminate in an epic courtroom brawl with the duo fighting back to back against an army of lawyers, security, judges, jury, and the sexy femme fatale stenographer played by Tia Carrere. Seagal and Xzibit lose and go to jail, but the movie ends with a shot of the two of them giving each other approving nods as they get in fighting positions and start a prison riot.

Arcanna Likes To Keep Possibilities Open

2007-07-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

Did I say possibilities? I meant legs. Just about every panel she's appeared in so far in the "Ultimate Power" miniseries has been while in the good ol' spread eagle position. I guess it's to be expected in a comic that's "drawn" by Greg Land. Issue #6 finally puts a stop to that, although the possibilities do remain open as to how it actually happened.

I mean really, I don't even understand how two women can make love. I mean unless they kinda just scissor or something.

GTA Fights War On Terror With Words

2007-07-13T15:52:00.001-07:00

WKTT Talk Radio, one of the new radio stations appearing in the latest GTA, is looking for people to phone-in and leave their thoughts about various topics. The WKTT Radio site says:

Call the station right now at 212-360-2368 and tell us what you think is wrong with Liberty City, American, Liberals, or your health. Tell the host you love the show. He likes that.

I hope someone finds a subtle way to make fun of Jack Thompson or any of those other bleeding heart liberals that are trying to link videogame violence with real life violence. That line of thinking gets me so mad that I sometimes black out. I always end up waking in front of some retirement home with what looks like red corn syrup on my hands. Since I don't actually get hurt by these incidents, I think nothing more of them. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, GTA is awesome.

Marc Owens Realistically Simulates Videogames In Real Life

2007-07-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

This is the Avatar Machine. Marc Owens, its designer, describes his work as:

The virtual communities created by online games have provided us with a new medium for social interaction and communication. Avatar Machine is a system which replicates the aesthetics and visuals of third person gaming, allowing the user to view themselves as a virtual character in real space via a head mounted interface. The system potentially allows for a diminished sense of social responsibility, and could lead the user to demonstrate behaviors normally reserved for the gaming environment.

I've gotta hand it to him. He faithfully recreates the feel of third person perspective in videogames. Just check out the way the whole body has to turn to change the field of view. With the camera dangling several feet behind the user, it can also simulate the way game cameras snag on nearby structures. I bet wearing that cushioned body suit also gives the user a false sense of protection from physical harm. Add some fun little toys like an aluminum bat or an airsoft gun and before you know it, you're killing hobos and corpse humping their lifeless faces.

Resident Evil Back In Black

2007-07-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

The Resident Evil 5 trailer shown at E3 earlier this week revealed even more details about the game. And frankly, it wouldn't be a Resident Evil game if it didn't contain opportunities for (un-?)intentional racism. Not to be outdone by the portrayal of the Spanish in part 4, this installment drops the player off in a war torn African nation. Take some "Black Hawk Down," mix with some "28 Days Later," and you've got yourself the next chapter of survival horror. You can watch the trailer here. A longer version is scheduled to come out later this month.

"Greek" And Why All Television Shows About College Fail

2007-07-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

Last night was the premiere of ABC Family's "Greek." Minutes into the show, I started to get some deja vu. I had seen this type of programming before: new kid in a new setting, a fight with the arrogant and established pretty face, popularity contests, running for president of an organization, a house party, etc. It's the same type of story you'd find in "Mean Girls," "The O.C." or "Dawson's Creek." And that's exactly what "Greek" is. It's nothing more than a high school drama that happens to be set in college. Rather than trash "Greek" for that, I give the writers credit for coming up with a slightly innovative approach to a college show.

You see, all television shows about college are destined to fail. The main problem is maintaining audience interest. There are three kinds of people in the potential audience:
1) Those that plan on going to college
2) Those that haven't gone or have no plans to go to college
3) Those that are currently attending or have already been in college.
How can a college show entertain any of these people?

The first group is the easiest demographic. They're curious about the college lifestyle and will accept any depiction of drama and debauchery. But given the content constraints of television, let alone that "Greek" is on ABC Family, this depiction will be watered down. This group will eventually wise up and realize that they can find better material in R-rated and even PG-13-rated college movies.

The second group is similar to the first group in that they have no experience of the college lifestyle. However, they're less likely to connect with the show because they inherently have less interest about college. They'll be watching for other reasons, like character relationships. They'll realize that they can find the same thing in a program with a more interesting hook to the individual, like a police or hospital show.

The third group is the trickiest and most critical. They are able to watch the show and compare it to their own experiences. They are able to recognize the flaws of using college as the premise for a show. College campuses are fairly unique, especially when compared to the nostalgic view of the standardized public high school. Concepts that make college enjoyable, like independence and social networking, are hard to capture on a show. The common ground individuals in this demographic will share have to do with final exams and roommates. And those aren't the most interesting of topics to watch on television. They will react like the other two groups by finding better material in other movies and genres.

This is a losing battle for any show. Unfortunately, "Greek" makes it even more difficult by limiting their audience to fans of teen drama. I'll watch a couple more episodes before giving the show a real review. But given examples set by shows like "Saved by the Bell: The College Years," "Undeclared," and "Undergrads," I doubt "Greek" will last long enough for me to do so. At least the characters look like college students.

Good News, Everyone

2007-07-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Fans of Futurama won't have to wait until 2008 to get a glimpse at the upcoming episodes slated to air on Comedy Central. The San Diego Comic-Con released its full programming schedule, which revealed this golden nugget:

Matt Groening is proud to announce the long-awaited return of the animated sci-fi comedy classic Futurama! Matt and executive producer David X. Cohen will be on the dais, accompanied by writer Ken Keeler, animation directors Peter Avanzino and Dwayne Carey-Hill, and for the first time together on stage in any universe, actors Billy West (Fry), Katey Sagal (Leela), John DiMaggio (Bender), and Maurice LaMarche (Kif Kroker)! The cast and crew will entertain your questions and present a sneak peek at Bender’s Big Score! in glorious wide-screen format! Moderated by Bill Morrison.

One scene has Fry complaining to his crewmates about how all good shows on television get cancelled. Leela then turns on the TV and points out that Fox has been running new episodes of the Simpsons nonstop for more than a thousand years. Fry counters by saying that the current season is composed only of clip shows running different combinations of shots spliced from the Simpsons' 999-year-long televised history, its feature films, music videos, Troy McClure and Ralph spin-offs, and commercials for Butterfinger, CC Lemon, KFC, Mastercard, Slurm, and Fishy Joe's.

Nah, I'm just joshing ya. But wouldn't that be funny if it were true? Anyway, here's more art from Space Coyote:

FBI Tries To Fight Zombie Hordes!!!

2007-07-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

That's right, our wonderful Federal Bureau of Investigation is now taking on the undead. This is so cool, we are finally in the war between the living and the not. Get your bat or shotty and aim high because it's every living being for itself. The agency said:

the zombies or bots were "a growing threat to national security".

Wait a sec... Dammit. Even though these are the right quotes in the BBC article, the article is about hackers using people's dormant machines to do their dirty work. See, now this is a good use of people who don't use the full power of their machines. Instead of letting computers log in and do SETI work or other advanced computations, it's letting your computer send SPAM while you're away.

Once hijacked, PCs can be used to send out spam, spread spyware or as repositories for illegal content such as pirated movies or pornography.

"How'd this porn get here!? Must've been those damn hackers." I now have an excuse if I ever get caught downloading the latest installment of Knocked up Knockers. It's an interesting article, but why did the BBC have to waste an awesome headline on this? I want real zombies to be dealt with. It's a growing problem that can still be found in the technology section. One should always read up on what to do when zombies do attack.

Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Release Dates

2007-07-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

From Anime Expo...
Guilty Gear XX Accent Core will be releasing on PS2 in September for $29.99. The next month will see a Wii release for $39.99.

As you can imagine, I was somewhat confused at the $10 increase. I asked if the Wii version has any special features besides shitty "waggle controls"*.

They said no.

To be fair, I casually mentioned how nice that Gamecube joysticks would be supported. The PR guy was actually not sure if Gamecube joysticks were supported, even though they're basically Gamecube controllers, and the Wii version supports Gamecube controllers. So they could just be total idiots. They also said "they're working on fixing the bugs from the Japanese version," until I caught them red-handed, telling them there was a Japanese bug-fix re-release they had nothing to do with.

*The flier for the game itself actually uses this phrase.

Who Wants To Be A Superhero: The Comic

2007-07-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it. I was a big fan of Who Wants to be a Superhero went it first aired last year. Sure it was corny, but there were some truly awesome moments: Iron Enforcer turning into Dark Enforcer, Major Victory becoming a hero in his daughter's eyes despite being eliminated, and the twists to each mission Stan Lee would introduce to the contestants.

One of the prizes for Feedback, the winning contestant, was the chance to get his character published in a comic written by Stan Lee. That comic hit the shelves last week. While I'm guessing it might have been one of the highlights of Feedback's life, I can't say that I enjoy the comic as much as him.

All the characters are such outrageous cliches, whether it's the mohawked punks that start trouble with Feedback ("Leave some fer me t'whap!") or the villain that double-crosses the hero (if having a robotic metal skull doesn't set off any flags, I don't know what will). Take Sarah, the love interest, as an example. She's a nurse but the uniform she wears is the same type of white, one-piece skirt with a red cross hat you find in old cartoons. Anyone that's ever been inside a hospital knows that nurses don't dress like that anymore. Later, when Feedback needs help sewing a costume, Sarah saves the day by doing it for him. To my surprise she makes a sleek, professional looking suit and all Feedback has to do to pay her back is fix her computer. Sarah's tailoring ability coupled with her technological incompetence can easily be construed as sexist.

This comic just seems so outdated. It pretty much crams every single writing trick Stan Lee's accumulated in his career into a single issue (the flashback that shows how Feedback got his powers, the character talking to himself, the reveal of the villain, the introduction of the love interest, etc). That either means Stan Lee is writing for the same audience he used to back in the Sixties or he's taking a self aware approach to the superhero genre. In either case, this comic serves as nothing more than fan service for Feedback.

I suggest reading Radioactive Man #711, which coincidentally is another comic that came out last week that's part of a multimedia tie-in (found in 7-Elevens to promote the Simpsons movie). This comic also contains the same types of cliches you find in the superhero genre but uses them instead for parody. This doesn't change the fact that I'm still going to watch season 2 of Who Wants to be a Superhero. However, it does make me wonder what would've happened if Fat Momma won the contest. Stan Lee would've had the opportunity to write about a protagonist that could address issues of sex, race, parenthood, and body image. But then that wouldn't be as enjoyable for his audience.

My Time At Anime Expo, Day 1.

2007-07-07T14:57:00.001-07:00

I woke up on Saturday at 7:00 AM to get ready, dressed, and out the door to get to the Long Beach Convention Center by 8:00. The registration line had already started, and seemed very long, but I would find that by 9:00, I would have my registration in hand.

In line, I saw both good cosplay:

And bad cosplay:

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that AX is the largest anime convention in the world, with a reported 44,000 attendees. There are some really amazing, beautfiul cosplay done here. If you're interested, you can google image search for all the shots that I didn't get.

Finding my around was quite annoying and difficult, for the fact that the expo was not confined to just the convention center. The event took place across a total of six venues. There was a video room in one hotel, two video rooms, an arcade, and Karaoke in another hotel, an arena for the big concerts, a theater for the major screenings, and the convention center itself with another video room, the panel rooms, console gaming, artists alley, and the dealer's room. Registration took place in another venue entirely. Having all of this stuff spread out across two city blocks was quite inconvenient. After glancing through the dealer's room, noticing that console gaming was packed to the brim, and cavorting in the arcade (too fat for DDR anymore, it's all Tekken and Melty Blood for me), I ventured into the dealer's room.

I usually patronize FanimeCon, which happens in the Bay Area over Memorial Day weekend. The Dealer's room fits nicely in one of their exhibit halls. But this dealer's room was ten times the size. With elaborate booths, such as Geneon's Hellsing-themed display, and Bandai's makeshift theater. Best Buy even had a booth for some reason. And there were tons of independent booths, one selling anime cels for $300-$1,000. Rooster Teeth was apparently there, but I did not see them.

Eventually, I decided to get in line for the SOS Brigade concert. The original voice actors were going to be doing some songs from the show, and it sounded like fun. I got in line around 3:00, with the performance scheduled to start at 4:30.

Of course, this is an anime convention, right? I don't believe we got let in until around 5:30 or so, and the performance didn't start until about 6. For a half hour, we were watching promo videos. The best part of the videos was when they would stop, and someone in the tech booth would have to navigate the menu on the DVD. Good lord.

Finally, the performance started. The voice actress for Mikuru, Yuko Goto, did the song from Episode 0, Miracle Mikuru-run, or whatever the name actually is. The song's gimmick is she's supposed to be tone-deaf, so it worked out. But something seemed a bit... off. After the song finished, they introduced the translator for the Japanese VA's... and the Haruhi from the ASOS Brigade. Her name is Patricia, for the record.

I think the ASOS Brigade is one of the dumbest gimmicks of all time, for the record, and the woman playing Haruhi is fingernails drawing across my soul. At around this time, it was revealed they had about one live mic.

They show a demonstration of doing recording (ADR) for Haruhi. And the troubles begin here:
You can plainly see someone running Windows Media Player. Aya Hirano, the voice of Haruhi was next, and she did the opening theme from the anime series. It appeared that the music cues were off, because she was about a quarter of a bar behind the rest of the song.

Other things that were going wrong were people missing their cues to come onstage, the ASOS Brigade sucking the air out of the rest of the performance... if it were not for one factor, I would have called the concert crap. Even the song God Knows kinda sucks when you can't hear the lead guitar.

Johnny Yong Bosch is a king among nerds. You may remember him as the second Black Ranger from the old Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, but these days, he does anime (Ichigo in Bleach, Renton in Eureka Seven, Itsuki in Haruhi). When he went to do his ADR line, he flubbed it a bit, and in a totally awesome and superb fashion, grabbed the script out of Patricia's hands, and flings it aloft, scattering the pages. Much to his dismay, the script was not just his lines for the faux recording session... but for the entire concert. So the whole thing grinds to a hilarious halt for a few minutes.

Concert ends with a massive Hare Hare Yukai dance, and the entire Japanese and American ADR cast come out to do it, and some contest winners come out as well. Johnny Yong Bosch doesn't know the dance, and basically does the monkey.

Crowd cheers for an encore, so the Hare Hare Yukai dance is done again. End concert.

Sadly, I missed a Para Para instructional workshop for this because it started late. I left the con shortly after the concert.

The Rubinoos Don't Want Avril Lavigne To Be Their Girlfriend

2007-07-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

Now normally, I would never make you listen to an Avril Lavigne song. But, could I entice you to listen to a few seconds of one if it meant Avril Lavigne was getting sued? I thought that might pique your interest.

A 70’s band The Rubinoos is suing Avril Lavigne for ripping off their song “I Want To Be Your Boyfriend,” claiming it was the inspiration for her song “Girlfriend.” One of the band members was quoted as saying: “We are not so naive as to chalk it up to some sort of cosmic coincidence. The lyric, the meter, the rhythm — they're identical."

The people on YouTube have actually done something useful, and taken a moment off of talking about themselves on their little cameras to make the following clip. It compares the two songs, and while The Rubinoos’ song doesn’t sound like much in the verse, when it hits the chorus, if you have even heard the Avril Lavigne song “Girlfriend” ONCE, you will recognize it.

It Begins

2007-07-06T00:19:00.000-07:00

In the the true spirit of a J.J. Abrams project, viral media has begun to pop up. There's the 1-18-08 website, the truth of Ethan Haas blog, and the Ethan Haas Was Right flash site. The flash site has a metallic ball that serves as a type of decoding game. Although I doubt that I'll figure much out from any of these sites, they're still pretty interesting to keep track of alongside the people who are able to work out their functions.

Rock Band Demonstration Released - Adults Challenged To Question Their Maturity Once Again

2007-07-05T00:59:00.000-07:00

Have you always wanted to be in a rock and roll band but lacked the discipline and patience to learn a real musical instrument? Then you've probably spent several hundred hours playing Guitar Hero by now. But consider Guitar Hero merely the gateway game leading you down a much darker path. Harmonix will soon be pushing their new highly addictive product on the unsuspecting pretty soon, and they've just released their first sampler to get us drooling. A video featuring the highly anticipated rhythm game, Rock Band, has finally been released, which adds to the Guitar Hero formula by including a bass guitar, drums, and a microphone.

I have to say, I was not impressed with this video. For all intents and purposes, the game looks really fun. My Guitar Hero controller has a permanent place next to my Playstation, and I find myself playing it long after I thought I'd grow tired of it, despite the constant criticism by those who've never played it themselves. "Why don't you just play a real guitar?" Because it's a bit more complicated than pressing 5 brightly colored buttons, and sometimes I just feel like playing a fucking game, that's why. That said, it will be nice to play some new songs, and some new instruments. Being a DrumMania fan, I'm especially eager to try the drum kit.

Why am I not thrilled about this game then? Take a look at the folks playing it. Just LOOK at these four adults, clutching miniature plastic versions of musical instruments, trying not to look like massive tools, but failing miserably. Yes, I know I'm a hypocrite. Yes, I know I play Guitar Hero. But I play Guitar Hero by myself, in the privacy of my home, far away from other people's judging eyes. I know I look like an idiot when I play with my plastic guitar, but I forget that when I'm in the middle of a furious Freebird solo. You know what else is a lot of fun? Masturbating. But you don't do that in front of other people, either. You know what it's called when four people come together and masturbate? It's called a circle jerk - and that's what this game looks like. A massive circle jerk.

Also, it's bad enough getting stuck being the bassist in a real band. How lame are you going to feel playing bass in a make-believe band with Johnny Four-Eyes screaming a karaoke version of Welcome to the Jungle in your ear?

Did Somebody Order A Sausage Pizza?

2007-07-04T14:30:00.000-07:00

In addition to playing hockey and exporting entertainers, those Canadians happen to also be good at marketing gimmicks. Winnipeg's Corey Wildeman came up with the idea of combining pizza delivery with complimentary pornographic imagery. And according to Wildeman, most of his customers are women.

"So I'm pretty pleased to see that a demographic that some people might think that we're offending is actually a lot more open to the concept than society would think," he said.

This can prove to be quite interesting if applied in a similar fashion to those migrant workers handing out pornographic flyers to passersby in Las Vegas. I can honestly say that I'd be more inclined to call one of those escort services if they came with a free pizza.

Cloverfield

2007-07-03T23:38:00.000-07:00

That's the name of the mysterious trailer for a J.J. Abrams-produced project attached in front of Transformers.

I won't go into further detail because it's something to be seen and experienced in person. If you need any more reason to go see that movie in theaters, then this is it. Once you have,check here for some possible details.

Why Does The Milk Taste Sour?

2007-07-02T23:28:00.001-07:00

The sour milk/sour skittles spot is the latest I've seen depicting this absurd little fantasy land. In the skittles world, you fix a skittles leak in the ceiling by hanging a little man underneath to eat the falling candy, rabbits can sing, creepy English lads dance for berries and cream, and long beards act as appendages. All I know is I want in. I figure the only way to do that is to grab a bag of skittles and lace it with some LSD. I'll catch you guys after I come down.

WWE Raw Recap, 7-2-07

2007-07-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

WWE Monday Night Raw live from Dallas, Texas.

We open with a recap of the WWE Championship Challenge. Cena pinned Foley to retain.
Pyro. Mr. Kennedy comes out, and is introduced by Lilian. Hey, she's back. He claims he should be the WWE champion, and he blames the fans for his inability to cash in money in the bank. Fans are apathetic, and can barely muster the obligatory “What?” Tries to announce his name, but he his interrupted by Cena, who's... getting mostly cheers? No, once his music ends, there they are. Cena says Kennedy is “the new guy”, so he introduces himself, and says, and pretends not to know his name. “You do the thing with the microphone... Mister Cameltoe”. Cameltoe chant. Now... a Cena chant? Yes, they are chanting Cena's name. He proceeds to call him Mr Crappypants, Mr Kellogg's Crunchy Nuts, Mr Colosthemy Bag, and Mr Kenny G, before mocking his catchphrase. It sounded like this:

“Mister... Kaaaabaabaabalabla.” Pause. “Baaalalabaablab.”

King Booker comes out, and demands a title shot. And tonight. I know that looks sudden, but that's basically how it was.

Orton out next. Also wants a shot, claims to have ended HBK and RVD's careers.
Lashley out next. He and Orton look like they are wearing underwear with their T-Shirts. Well, we know what Lashley sounds like, and we've seen the fannypack pictures of Orton. Also wants a shot.

Now William Regal comes out. Well, finally, he gets a title shot? No, Coachman is on holiday, so Regal is substitute GM. It's Beat the Clock tonight. And Regal calls Orton “Sunshine”, because his match is next.

Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy – Orton with a shoulderblock early on, and a quick pin. Jeff kicks out, and gets a pinfall attempt. Orton whips Jeff to the ropes, who hangs on, then backdrops Orton over when he charges. Jeff with a baseball slide, then a plancha. Rolls Orton back into the ring for another near fall. Jeff whips Orton to the corner, who comes back out with a clothesline. 2 pin attempts are kicked out of, and then Orton spends a minute stomping away, slowly. Doesn't make sense, I thought this was a Beat the Clock match? Orton drops the leg and goes for a pin. Kickout... then Orton locks on some kind of scissor/armbar combination. Well, at least it's not a chinlock. Jeff moves, and Orton switches to some kind of waistlock... which somehow is a submission hold. He lets go, and hits a scoop slam. Pin attempt. Another scoop and another pin. And then he does it a third time. After that, it's back to the scissor/armbar. So let's see... Orton did a shoulderblock, a clothesline, some stomps, that guillotine armbar, and scoop slams, and it's already been 5 minutes. Jeff fights back, eventually hitting a neckbreaker out of nowhere. After 2 pinfall attempts, Jeff dropkicks Orton in the corner, pin attempt. Orton rolls out to the apron, and snaps Jeff's neck on the ropes. Another pin attempt. An Irish whip is countered with Whisper in the Wind. Pinfall attempt fails, and Orton hits an RKO to counter a Twist of Fate to rack up a time of 7:06. I think Orton did six different offensive moves that entire match.

Melina vs Maria – First, a recap of Candace's win. She comes out to do commentary. So I guess there's gonna be a brawl afterwards. Melina poses like a Power Ranger at the top of the ramp during her entrance. The match is mostly catfight fodder, though Melina busts out a Giant Swing and a Surfboard Hairpull. She hits her finisher for the win... and there's a brawl afterwards.

Recap of HHH's quad tear. I guess there'll be 8 weeks of recover vignettes. Has U2 done anything new the WWE can use? HHH makes squishy faces as the doctor tends to his leg.
Dusty Rhodes introduces his son Cody to Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who welcomes the generic-looking kid to the “big leagues”. As far as I can tell, he looks nothing like his dad. Orton appears, wants to introduce himself to Cody. After some scary face making, he slaps the Dream, and Cody wants a piece.

Recap of Santino Marella's Intercontinental Title win in Milan, and his Vengeance “win”. He finds Maria in the back to check on her, but she's more worried about his challenge to Umaga. He “make-a” the challenge to Umaga to prove himself. He kisses Maria, and then heads out.

Santino Marella(C) vs Umaga – Umaga introduced first. Santino Marella's music would be better if it didn't try to go to crappy guitar and hi hat land after the intro. Give him Salvatore Sincere's music. He tries to shoot on Umaga and gets thrown off. Leg kicks from Marella, gets caught, escapes, and takes Umaga outside. Umaga grabs the champ through the ropes, and proceeds to use the ring to brutalize him. Back in the ring, and we begin generic face comeback sequence #1. Nerve holds and chops send him reeling, but he dodges a charge, and now more leg kicks. Tries a pinfall, but Umaga kicks out so hard Santino goes outside again. Samoan Drop from Umaga. Drags the lifeless Santino to the corner, and sets up for the butt ram. He connects, and the crowd, who was actually rooting for him, deflates at this. I didn't know they cared. Samoan Spike connects, and a three count crowns a new Intercontinental Champion. He celebrates by putting the belt in his mouth.

King Booker and Sharmell are walking. The time to beat, again, is 7:06.

King Booker w/ Queen Sharmell vs. Val Venis – Wow, Booker also poses like a Power Ranger. I want to shout “NOT VAL VENIS!” at my TV when he is announced. Val Venis's tron is still kinda going well after the bell starts. A couple pinfall attempts traded, and after some back and forth, Booker with a sidekick and a nearfall. Generic offense traded back and forth. Venis with a pinfall, but Booker kicks out, and takes Venis down with a clothesline. Another pinfall. At least they remember to do frequent pin attempts in these matches. Booker works over Venis, who escapes a submission hold using the ropes. Some more strikes, and then a perfectly acceptabe vertical suplex. Venis kicks out and starts fighting back, but gets hit with an elbow off of an Irish whip attempt. Booker has already used, I think, 8 different moves, three minutes in. Knees by Venis who takes control and hits a clothesline. A neckbreaker connects, and Booker kicks out at 2. Venis calls a spot, then whips Booker to the corner, who gets a knee up, and then kicks Venis in the gut in the center of the ring. Scissors Kick finishes it at 4:30, and thus, we have a new Beat the Clock leader. Booker does another pose as Sharmell announces the winner. I want to learn how to do that pose. Between him, Melina, and MVP, I think we have a new stable.

Kennedy in the back with Super Crazy. They face each other tonight, and Kennedy is interested in Super Crazy throwing the match and laying down. He'll slide a few pesos his way if he helps him out. Do they have a deal? “Si, Misterrrrr Kennedy.” But you know what? I don't think they do.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Super Crazy – Well, it's the in ring return for Kennedy. Super Crazy looks ready to fight as Kennedy gets the mic. The countdown continues as he starts to introduce himself, but Super Crazy gets a rollup... for three? That's the entire segment, folks.
Booker backstage with Shelton Benjamin, who will be facing Lashley tonight. If Shleton can last the clock, then he gets the first shot at Booker's title when he wins. They have a deal... and Booker wants Shelton to kiss his royal hand. Shelton does it because he's a trooper.

Dusty Rhodes backstage with Grisham. NEXT week, Orton and Dusty will be in the ring.

Jillian Hall listens to Carlito ramble on about something or other. Sandman shows up and opens a beer all over Carlito. Carlito spits an apple all over Sandman. Sandman spits a beer in Carlito's face. And Ron Simmons says Damn. That segment could have used other spitting, like HHH spitting water, or maybe someone spitting green mist, or Hacksaw Jim Duggan spitting up on himself.

Carlito vs. The Sandman – “The Sandman's idea of a balanced diet is a beer in each hand.” - Lawler. Carlito takes the early advantage with generic heel tactics. Carlito tries to use the kendo stick, but the ref blocks it. Sandman snatches the kendo stick and cracks Carlito over the head with it for the DQ. Dammit, very hard to care about this stuff.

Bobby Lashley vs. Shelton Benjamin – Woah, Shelton's old singles music. They do amateur stuff to start, which is always fine by me. Shelton to the outside, and stalls for time. Tries to brawl, but Lashley outbrawls him and slams him. Benjamin outside again, with 3:15 to go. He kills time until 2:30 left, when he starts trying to brawl. Lashley counts, and goes for a back body drop, but Shelton COUNTERS INTO A DDT that just looks awesome. 1:55 to go, and Shelton kicks away. Lashley powers up and gets a fallaway slam. Lashley unloads, and gets a spear in the corner that he combos into a powerslam. He whiffs a slam, and Shelton tries his spinning enzuigiri kick thing, but Lashlet reverses into a Dominator attempt that is escaped at :57, and Shelton kicks him in the head. Benjamin springboards off the top rope, but Lashley spears him in midair and gets the pin with :27 to go, winning Beat the Clock and the shot at Cena at the Bash. The contract signing is next.

Wait, no, another HHH promo is next.

Now Regal comes out with the contract in hand. He introduces Bobby Lashley first, and then John Cena. Cena compliments Lashley, saying he's looking forward to the match, and Lashley shares his sentiments. Kennedy and Booker come out, claiming this is all a farce. Cena goads them on, and they brawl, 2 on 2. You know they couldn't do Cena 1 on 1 with Lashley this early. The heels clear out, Cena signs, and then Lashley spears the holy hell out of him... and gets heel heat? Seriously? Show ends.

My thoughts: Best spot of the show was Shelton's DDT, and the best moment was Umaga eating the IC belt. Beyond that, totally forgettable show, even with a title change.

Who Needs The Kwik-E-Mart? We Do

2007-07-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

Fox has launched a brilliant marketing campaign with 7-11, converting their convenience stores into the famed Kwik-E-Mart previously exclusive to Springfield. The transformation appears exhaustive, down to the yellow brick and brown shingles of the exterior, to the no-longer-fictional Krusty O's cereal, Buzz cola, and Squishee drinks. Springfield's residents occupy the store as well, from Comic Book Guy, to Frostillicus still frozen in his time-travel freezer. They even have an Indian guy working the register who I assume they've hired to play Apu. Hats off to Fox and 7-11 for putting this fanboy creamdream together!

The Bounty of the Internet

2007-07-01T17:52:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about the internet is its astounding ability to bring the dregs of society right to your society, neatly packaged into little websites. There are standards for what goes on TV, and what gets put in newspapers, but literally anything can be put on the web if you’ve got a computer and an internet connection. You know all those bizarre, dirty little things you think about when you touch yourself at night? Yeah, there’s a site for that. Guaranteed.

I often find myself browsing some of these horrifyingly ridiculous pages, unable to avert my eyes. It’s the proverbial car crash of the internet. How can you not look? The only thing more incredible than the fact that someone took the time to make pages like these is the fact that people actually believe the ideologies and beliefs spouted on these pages.

Take Hetracil.com, for example. The explanation on the opening page reads as follows:

"Hetracil is the most widely prescribed anti-effeminate medication in the United States, helping 16 million Americans who suffer from Behavioral Effeminism and Male Homosexuality Disorder."

Ah. Thank you, internet. Thank you.

Up next week: The Official websites of the KKK, The Flat-Earth Society, and some Japanese Farting Porn. I know – I can’t wait, either.

Associated Press Reveals Details Of Upcoming Comic

2007-07-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

Newsarama has posted a spoiler warning for readers to be aware that an Associated Press article reveals certain details from Marvel Comics's Fallen Son: The Death of Captain America - Iron Man (whew) coming out next week. According to the AP article, there will in fact be a scene involving a eulogy being delivered to an assembly of superheroes at Captain America's burial.

Costner Costner Costner

2007-07-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

Variety has a story about Kevin Costner's plans to produce, finance and lend his voice to "The Explorers Club," an animated series that will originate on the Internet during the holiday season in 12 four-minute segments. Variety says:

Costner's endgame is the live-action feature. The creators will have a feature script ready by the time the segments air on the Web. Costner plans to reprise his role as an explorer named Sloane, and he'll have first crack at directing the film.

This is so typical of the current Hollywood film industry. The only way for someone as talented as Kevin Costner to get any decent work is to self-finance films where he stars as the main character. In order to keep the vision of the film intact, Costner has to direct the damn thing himself. I can't wait until Costner finally has the time to do that one movie he's been dreaming of all these years. The storyline will be centered around an alternate universe Kevin Costner in a post-apocalyptic Earth inhabited entirely by women. It would be up to him to help repopulate the planet and thereby save humanity. They movie will require Costner to perform full frontal sex scenes with various starlets. Only those with a high understanding of art, like myself, will understand the film to be an autobiographical metaphor of Costner's career.

Nicole Kidman Is Accessible

2007-07-01T12:18:00.001-07:00

Nintendo Europe has hired Nicole Kidman to be the face of their Brain Training ad campaign. Dawn Paine, Marketing Director of Nintendo UK, comments:

The Brain Training phenomenon is sweeping the globe, enjoyed by over 10 million people from grandparents to Oscar-winning actors. We believe that Nicole Kidman’s leading role in the campaign and the revelation of her DS Brain Age will surprise and excite people all over Europe.

This campaign follows a recent Chanel ad where she hooks up with a random guy she meets in a cab. Kidman is either trying real hard to prove that she's accessible to the common man or she's the world's biggest cocktease. Based on my prior dreams of her, I'd say she's a little from column A and a little from column B.

The Next Best Thing

2007-06-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

How low will Hollywood executives stoop to make a quick buck? Just ask the producers of The Transmorphers, the brand new straight-to-video feature by The Asylum released alongside the mega-hyped Michael Bay blockbuster Transformers. I was strolling through the new releases section at my neighborhood Blockbusters yesterday afternoon when I stumbled on this studio's shameless endeavor to exploit the monstrous publicity being poured into the robo-epic.

I remember being similarly baffled when seeing one of their previous turds, Snakes on a Train. Although from the look of the cover, it seems like it should have been called Trains in a Snake (hehe... heh). While Snakes on a Plane wasn't anything close to a cinematic masterpiece, at least they had creativity and an impressive viral marketing campaign to their credit (not to mention Samuel L. Jackson cussing out snakes). Snakes on a Train lacks the first, and tries to steal the other.

The most mind-boggling thing of all? Every copy of Transmorphers was actually checked out. Transmorphers! Robots incognito!

Zach Braff Comes Clean

2007-06-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

Zach Braff confirms on his blog what many people have been gossiping about over the past month or so. Braff says:

Yes, I am the voice of Wendy’s. I’m actually dressed as Wendy as I type this.

I am not leaving Scrubs! (People are still asking me this all the time.) We begin shooting the final 18 episodes this August. The finality of this season has nothing to do with me. The folks at NBC have decided this is our last one.

With Scrubs coming to end, Braff needs to come up with other sources of revenue so that he can make more movies that allow him to make out with even more of Hollywood's hottest actresses. Let's not forget the cost of downloading from iTunes adds up when you're looking for the perfect playlist to score a movie.

EGM Gets Hands-On Exclusive Of Soul Calibur 4

2007-06-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

The August 2007 issue of EGM contains an exclusive first look at the upcoming Soul Calibur sequel. From what I can see, the game is bursting with all the features you could possibly want in a fighting game. Soul Calibur 4 runs at a smooth 60 frames per second, has online play, improves on balance issues from the previous game, and returns the custom character creator. Now if they could only add some elements that would attract the highly discriminating male demographic...

Heath Ledger Set to Be Ugliest Joker Ever

2007-06-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

The character of Joker from the Batman comics has never exactly been much of a looker, but in the upcoming film The Dark Knight, he will apparently look like someone attacked his face with some sort of acid lipstick. Warner Bros. have released a picture of Heath Ledger (normally a fairly attractive man), in makeup for The Dark Knight, and to say that he looks “unsettling” would be putting in mildly.

Christian Bale (in case you’ve been living under a rock, he’s the guy who’s playing Batman), still manages to find the hots for Ledger, even when he’s in this crazy get-up. "He is a great choice for it. I like it, personally," said Bale in a recent interview.

Damn you, Heath Ledger. Even when you’re made up to look as ugly as possible, you’re still able to attract women, men, and small house-pets with your charm. My envy knows no bounds.

Kingdom Hearts To Add "Israeli Agent" Character.

2007-06-30T12:56:00.000-07:00

Hamas had a tv show for kids and its main character was a knock off of Mickey Mouse. Disney got mad that in essence Mickey was promoting terrorism instead of capitalism. To solve this dilemma, Hamas just killed off their mouse in a wonderful way. They blamed the Israelis, oh yeah. The BBC says:

The Hamas-affiliated al-Aqsa channel aired the last episode on Friday, showing the character, Farfur, being beaten to death by an "Israeli agent".
"Farfur was martyred defending his land," said the show's presenter Saraa.

Now that's a way to go down bitching. In the US, characters get blown up in limos, fall down an elevator shaft, oh just get canceled. In Palestine, you blame someone directly and even though it's said that the Jewish run Hollywood, I don't think Hamas knew that. It would have been a lot better if it were an Israeli agent with Donald Duck, Goofy, and the real Mickey Mouse to open up a can of whoopass on fake Mickey. Goofy could loose his huge floppy shoe up the Hamas mouse's ass and then they could spin the fake mouse like a dreidel. It would have been great entertainment, even Pay-Per-View material. To commemorate this event, I believe that it's only fair that the Israeli agent gets to be a character in the next Kingdom Hearts game, or has a Pixar movie about him. Because even though they used the Israelis as a scapegoat, the Israelis were protecting capitalism and the American way of copyright infringement.

Stephanie Tanner Has Huge Boobs

2007-06-30T01:55:00.000-07:00

Jodie Sweetin, better known to America as the precocious (see: annoying) middle child Stephanie Tanner on my favorite cheesy family sitcom of all time Full House, has resurfaced into public consciousness once again thanks to the buoyancy of her brand new prosthetic fun bags.

It's about time Jodie was the center of some positive publicity. After a fledgling acting career post-'House and struggling with a destructive crystal meth addiction, it seemed that Sweetin was doomed to share the curse of the child star with the likes of Danny Bonaduce, River Phoenix, and Dana Plato (The kid from Diff'rent Strokes. Not the black midget boy, the other one.) But it seems like she's definitely making a comeback. She has a paparazzi picture of her sideboob circulating on the internet, a stint as host on the critically acknowledged cable show Pants-Off Dance-Off, and marginally larger breasts. She's finally ready to embark on a degrading career in porn. She's already got a great porn name.

Honestly, what happened here? Her other co-stars are doing great. The Olsen Twins are the richest bulimic clowns in the world. D.J. found Jesus and married a hockey player. John Stamos is making drug-fueled appearances on Australian talk shows. Where did we go wrong with little Stephanie? Everything started going downhill ever since she started hanging out with that troublemaker Gia. This whole breast-enhancement thing was probably her idea, the little slut.

Oh, Stephanie. Mr. Bear is probably rolling over in his grave. Anyway, I hope everything works out for the former Honeybee. And good luck to her new tits, who I hear she's affectionately nicknamed Mary-Kate and Ashley. Now let's all recite the Honeybee pledge.

I pledge my love and loyalty
to all the hive and every bee!
Our motto is and ever was,
Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz!

Germany Says They Won’t Let Tom Cruise Kill Hitler

2007-06-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a German Colonel named Claus von Stauffenberg, who tried to kill Hitler with a suitcase bomb. Well, he failed, and got shot. When Hollywood producers heard about this, they instantly sprang to make a movie about it (surprise). Somewhere along the line, someone apparently went: “Hey, you know who can play a German really well? Tom Cruise!” Well, you’d think that that guy would be instantly fired, but instead, everyone went: “Brilliant!” and they went out and got Tom Cruise.

They got everything set up to film in Germany, in the spots where everything had historically occurred, but then the German government popped in to say a few words. Specifically, these words were: “Knock that shit off” (but in German, so “Schlagen Sie diese Scheiße ab”). The German government banned any production of the film from taking place on military sites.

The best part was their reasoning for the ban. They stated that it was because Tom Cruise was a Scientologist. The German Government has stated that “scientology is a cult that masquerades as a religion for the purposes of making money.” Which it is, I suppose. I’m just surprised that they’d come right out and say it, that’s all.

A Look At Rickrolling

2007-06-29T19:47:00.000-07:00

That was Rick Astley, with "Never Gonna Give You Up," a hit from the 80's. Kind of a catchy tune. I dig the bartender in the middle.

But is this truly the best the Internet can do anymore?

If you've never heard of rickrolling, in short, it's when someone clicks on a link that they think is going to take them somewhere, but instead, they see the above video.

That's it.

I can remember a time where people would be suckered into looking at a man's gaping anus, or a woman with some ungodly bowel problem, or three old men giving each other blowjobs. In one way or another, these are things one would not want to see. You would feel suckered and ashamed for looking at them.

But Rick Astley? Good voice, catchy beat, nice chorus... I bought the song on iTunes. Yes, I paid 99 cents for this.

Some time ago, I unwittingly suckered a number of people into looking at a picture of a very tight close up of a freshly ejaculated penis. I think that far more satisfying than if I suckered people into listening to a very slick 80's track.

P.S. Did you see his dance moves? Freakin' awesome.

Why The Green Face?

2007-06-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

New Avengers #31 revealed that what was thought to have been Elektra's sword-penetrated corpse was actually a shape-shifting Skrull. There's been speculation that the reveal might have something to do with an agreement Frank Miller had with Marvel about use of the character, Elektra. Brian Cronin at CBR says:

Specifically, Daredevil editor Ralph Macchio (who edited Miller’s acclaimed “Born Again” storyline in Daredevil) promised him certain terms (that’s the “basically” part in the above status, as I cannot tell what the exact terms were - were they “we won’t bring her back” or were they “we won’t bring her back unless you say we can” and so on and so forth) about Elektra, and any possible return from the dead.

But that would be assuming Marvel actually gave a shit about its creators. If you ask me, it was just an attempt to make the comic book Elektra look more like the movie version as played by Jennifer Garner.

More Favreau Por Favor

2007-06-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

According to Robin Leach's blog:

Robert Downey Jr.’s character in the “Iron Man” film shooting at Caesars Palace called for a security guard, so to save time and money, director Jon Favreau cast himself in the part - and then after shooting the scene yelled “wrap” to end final Vegas shooting of the Marvel Comic hero

I can certainly relate. A lot of the movies I shoot require some strapping male actor to make love to a female actress in a number of artful sexual positions. Nobody likes to do artsy fartsy stuff so I have to cast myself everytime. It's harder than it looks. Wait, that's what she said!

Thanks Viral Marketing!

2007-06-29T02:16:00.000-07:00

What happens when you mix the latest achievements in technology and sell it to the masses? You get the Apple iPhone. An awesome little gadget that has the most cutting edge interface and technology with a main feature to stream all the crap of the Internet to wherever you are. Time for me to ghostride my RAZR at someone's head. Why the hell would I want to streamline my ability to watch viral videos wherever I am? The last thing I need is to be stuck in traffic behind some idiot who thinks it's rad to watch a movie of a fat kid sing a numa numa guy song on his phone. The iPhone has a touchsceen, microscopic accelerometers that tell it where it is in space, it can play movies and be every electronic device you'd ever need. The only thing it's missing is a knife, I'll get one when it comes with a corkscrew! Why the hell would you need to market it as being able to stream YouTube.com directly? What the hell were they thinking besides figuring out how to get kids to own a $500 phone? Though I am happy that AT&T, Apple, and Google have teamed up, it's good to get those minds together. This selling of viral access where ever you are is like the Joe Camel of yesteryear. Pushing crap to sell something that is already the magic tricorder that everyone has been waiting for. (I think I just promoted cigarettes in a tangent.)

P.S. - I better not be handed a phone from my kid and have to explain why some action hero tricked someone and said "He got rickrolled" with a smirk. I will shoot someone.

Joss Whedon Wants You For Dinner

2007-06-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

Joss Whedon once again proves why he is a god among geeks. According to the press release, fans will get a chance to bid for a seat at his table at a swank San Diego restaurant. Proceeds from the auction will go to Equality Now, an organization that works to protect and promote the human rights of women around the world.

I think dinner with Joss has a nice ring to it, as opposed to an early bird special with Stan Lee or drive-thru with Sam Raimi in his yellow 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 (with special cameo appearance by Bruce Campbell). I dare say the only thing more fitting would be a buffet with Michael Bay. And the buffet would be on top of a semi truck's trailer as it plows through traffic on the freeway. Nicolas Cage would serve you drinks from another truck by jumping from car to car. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence will simultaneously shout, "Damn!" when you get the bill for what you thought was a complimentary meal. The whole experience would be expensive and over the top except for the food, which was the reason why you decided to go in the first place.

X-Men, Mystique Hit #200

2007-06-28T22:14:00.000-07:00

X-Men #200 came out this week, kicking off the "Endangered Species" crossover among the X-Titles. It also marks the culmination of Iceman and Mystique's built up relationship over the past couple issues. By "culmination" I mean it ain't going any further than that. Sure, having sex with someone that can change into any shape might seem like a good idea, but then you realize how many different men (and women) Mystique's been involved with over the years. I'm betting Iceman's ice powers are gonna come in real handy the next morning. Oh yeah, she also backstabs the X-Men on the last page.