Saturday, June 30, 2007

The Next Best Thing

How low will Hollywood executives stoop to make a quick buck? Just ask the producers of The Transmorphers, the brand new straight-to-video feature by The Asylum released alongside the mega-hyped Michael Bay blockbuster Transformers. I was strolling through the new releases section at my neighborhood Blockbusters yesterday afternoon when I stumbled on this studio's shameless endeavor to exploit the monstrous publicity being poured into the robo-epic.

I remember being similarly baffled when seeing one of their previous turds, Snakes on a Train. Although from the look of the cover, it seems like it should have been called Trains in a Snake (hehe... heh). While Snakes on a Plane wasn't anything close to a cinematic masterpiece, at least they had creativity and an impressive viral marketing campaign to their credit (not to mention Samuel L. Jackson cussing out snakes). Snakes on a Train lacks the first, and tries to steal the other.

The most mind-boggling thing of all? Every copy of Transmorphers was actually checked out. Transmorphers! Robots incognito!

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Zach Braff Comes Clean

Zach Braff confirms on his blog what many people have been gossiping about over the past month or so. Braff says:

Yes, I am the voice of Wendy’s. I’m actually dressed as Wendy as I type this.

I am not leaving Scrubs! (People are still asking me this all the time.) We begin shooting the final 18 episodes this August. The finality of this season has nothing to do with me. The folks at NBC have decided this is our last one.

With Scrubs coming to end, Braff needs to come up with other sources of revenue so that he can make more movies that allow him to make out with even more of Hollywood's hottest actresses. Let's not forget the cost of downloading from iTunes adds up when you're looking for the perfect playlist to score a movie.

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EGM Gets Hands-On Exclusive Of Soul Calibur 4

The August 2007 issue of EGM contains an exclusive first look at the upcoming Soul Calibur sequel. From what I can see, the game is bursting with all the features you could possibly want in a fighting game. Soul Calibur 4 runs at a smooth 60 frames per second, has online play, improves on balance issues from the previous game, and returns the custom character creator. Now if they could only add some elements that would attract the highly discriminating male demographic...

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Heath Ledger Set to Be Ugliest Joker Ever

The character of Joker from the Batman comics has never exactly been much of a looker, but in the upcoming film The Dark Knight, he will apparently look like someone attacked his face with some sort of acid lipstick. Warner Bros. have released a picture of Heath Ledger (normally a fairly attractive man), in makeup for The Dark Knight, and to say that he looks “unsettling” would be putting in mildly.

Christian Bale (in case you’ve been living under a rock, he’s the guy who’s playing Batman), still manages to find the hots for Ledger, even when he’s in this crazy get-up. "He is a great choice for it. I like it, personally," said Bale in a recent interview.

Damn you, Heath Ledger. Even when you’re made up to look as ugly as possible, you’re still able to attract women, men, and small house-pets with your charm. My envy knows no bounds.

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Kingdom Hearts To Add "Israeli Agent" Character.

Hamas had a tv show for kids and its main character was a knock off of Mickey Mouse. Disney got mad that in essence Mickey was promoting terrorism instead of capitalism. To solve this dilemma, Hamas just killed off their mouse in a wonderful way. They blamed the Israelis, oh yeah. The BBC says:

The Hamas-affiliated al-Aqsa channel aired the last episode on Friday, showing the character, Farfur, being beaten to death by an "Israeli agent".
"Farfur was martyred defending his land," said the show's presenter Saraa.

Now that's a way to go down bitching. In the US, characters get blown up in limos, fall down an elevator shaft, oh just get canceled. In Palestine, you blame someone directly and even though it's said that the Jewish run Hollywood, I don't think Hamas knew that. It would have been a lot better if it were an Israeli agent with Donald Duck, Goofy, and the real Mickey Mouse to open up a can of whoopass on fake Mickey. Goofy could loose his huge floppy shoe up the Hamas mouse's ass and then they could spin the fake mouse like a dreidel. It would have been great entertainment, even Pay-Per-View material. To commemorate this event, I believe that it's only fair that the Israeli agent gets to be a character in the next Kingdom Hearts game, or has a Pixar movie about him. Because even though they used the Israelis as a scapegoat, the Israelis were protecting capitalism and the American way of copyright infringement.

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Stephanie Tanner Has Huge Boobs

Jodie Sweetin, better known to America as the precocious (see: annoying) middle child Stephanie Tanner on my favorite cheesy family sitcom of all time Full House, has resurfaced into public consciousness once again thanks to the buoyancy of her brand new prosthetic fun bags.

It's about time Jodie was the center of some positive publicity. After a fledgling acting career post-'House and struggling with a destructive crystal meth addiction, it seemed that Sweetin was doomed to share the curse of the child star with the likes of Danny Bonaduce, River Phoenix, and Dana Plato (The kid from Diff'rent Strokes. Not the black midget boy, the other one.) But it seems like she's definitely making a comeback. She has a paparazzi picture of her sideboob circulating on the internet, a stint as host on the critically acknowledged cable show Pants-Off Dance-Off, and marginally larger breasts. She's finally ready to embark on a degrading career in porn. She's already got a great porn name.

Honestly, what happened here? Her other co-stars are doing great. The Olsen Twins are the richest bulimic clowns in the world. D.J. found Jesus and married a hockey player. John Stamos is making drug-fueled appearances on Australian talk shows. Where did we go wrong with little Stephanie? Everything started going downhill ever since she started hanging out with that troublemaker Gia. This whole breast-enhancement thing was probably her idea, the little slut.

Oh, Stephanie. Mr. Bear is probably rolling over in his grave. Anyway, I hope everything works out for the former Honeybee. And good luck to her new tits, who I hear she's affectionately nicknamed Mary-Kate and Ashley. Now let's all recite the Honeybee pledge.

I pledge my love and loyalty
to all the hive and every bee!
Our motto is and ever was,
Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz

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Friday, June 29, 2007

Germany Says They Won’t Let Tom Cruise Kill Hitler

Once upon a time, there was a German Colonel named Claus von Stauffenberg, who tried to kill Hitler with a suitcase bomb. Well, he failed, and got shot. When Hollywood producers heard about this, they instantly sprang to make a movie about it (surprise). Somewhere along the line, someone apparently went: “Hey, you know who can play a German really well? Tom Cruise!” Well, you’d think that that guy would be instantly fired, but instead, everyone went: “Brilliant!” and they went out and got Tom Cruise.

They got everything set up to film in Germany, in the spots where everything had historically occurred, but then the German government popped in to say a few words. Specifically, these words were: “Knock that shit off” (but in German, so “Schlagen Sie diese Schei├če ab”). The German government banned any production of the film from taking place on military sites.

The best part was their reasoning for the ban. They stated that it was because Tom Cruise was a Scientologist. The German Government has stated that “scientology is a cult that masquerades as a religion for the purposes of making money.” Which it is, I suppose. I’m just surprised that they’d come right out and say it, that’s all.

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A Look At Rickrolling

That was Rick Astley, with "Never Gonna Give You Up," a hit from the 80's. Kind of a catchy tune. I dig the bartender in the middle.

But is this truly the best the Internet can do anymore?

If you've never heard of rickrolling, in short, it's when someone clicks on a link that they think is going to take them somewhere, but instead, they see the above video.

That's it.

I can remember a time where people would be suckered into looking at a man's gaping anus, or a woman with some ungodly bowel problem, or three old men giving each other blowjobs. In one way or another, these are things one would not want to see. You would feel suckered and ashamed for looking at them.

But Rick Astley? Good voice, catchy beat, nice chorus... I bought the song on iTunes. Yes, I paid 99 cents for this.

Some time ago, I unwittingly suckered a number of people into looking at a picture of a very tight close up of a freshly ejaculated penis. I think that far more satisfying than if I suckered people into listening to a very slick 80's track.

P.S. Did you see his dance moves? Freakin' awesome.

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Why The Green Face?

New Avengers #31 revealed that what was thought to have been Elektra's sword-penetrated corpse was actually a shape-shifting Skrull. There's been speculation that the reveal might have something to do with an agreement Frank Miller had with Marvel about use of the character, Elektra. Brian Cronin at CBR says:

Specifically, Daredevil editor Ralph Macchio (who edited Miller’s acclaimed “Born Again” storyline in Daredevil) promised him certain terms (that’s the “basically” part in the above status, as I cannot tell what the exact terms were - were they “we won’t bring her back” or were they “we won’t bring her back unless you say we can” and so on and so forth) about Elektra, and any possible return from the dead.

But that would be assuming Marvel actually gave a shit about its creators. If you ask me, it was just an attempt to make the comic book Elektra look more like the movie version as played by Jennifer Garner.

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More Favreau Por Favor

According to Robin Leach's blog:

Robert Downey Jr.’s character in the “Iron Man” film shooting at Caesars Palace called for a security guard, so to save time and money, director Jon Favreau cast himself in the part - and then after shooting the scene yelled “wrap” to end final Vegas shooting of the Marvel Comic hero

I can certainly relate. A lot of the movies I shoot require some strapping male actor to make love to a female actress in a number of artful sexual positions. Nobody likes to do artsy fartsy stuff so I have to cast myself everytime. It's harder than it looks. Wait, that's what she said!

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Thanks Viral Marketing!

What happens when you mix the latest achievements in technology and sell it to the masses? You get the Apple iPhone. An awesome little gadget that has the most cutting edge interface and technology with a main feature to stream all the crap of the Internet to wherever you are. Time for me to ghostride my RAZR at someone's head. Why the hell would I want to streamline my ability to watch viral videos wherever I am? The last thing I need is to be stuck in traffic behind some idiot who thinks it's rad to watch a movie of a fat kid sing a numa numa guy song on his phone. The iPhone has a touchsceen, microscopic accelerometers that tell it where it is in space, it can play movies and be every electronic device you'd ever need. The only thing it's missing is a knife, I'll get one when it comes with a corkscrew! Why the hell would you need to market it as being able to stream directly? What the hell were they thinking besides figuring out how to get kids to own a $500 phone? Though I am happy that AT&T, Apple, and Google have teamed up, it's good to get those minds together. This selling of viral access where ever you are is like the Joe Camel of yesteryear. Pushing crap to sell something that is already the magic tricorder that everyone has been waiting for. (I think I just promoted cigarettes in a tangent.)

P.S. - I better not be handed a phone from my kid and have to explain why some action hero tricked someone and said "He got rickrolled" with a smirk. I will shoot someone.

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Joss Whedon Wants You For Dinner

Joss Whedon once again proves why he is a god among geeks. According to the press release, fans will get a chance to bid for a seat at his table at a swank San Diego restaurant. Proceeds from the auction will go to Equality Now, an organization that works to protect and promote the human rights of women around the world.

I think dinner with Joss has a nice ring to it, as opposed to an early bird special with Stan Lee or drive-thru with Sam Raimi in his yellow 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 (with special cameo appearance by Bruce Campbell). I dare say the only thing more fitting would be a buffet with Michael Bay. And the buffet would be on top of a semi truck's trailer as it plows through traffic on the freeway. Nicolas Cage would serve you drinks from another truck by jumping from car to car. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence will simultaneously shout, "Damn!" when you get the bill for what you thought was a complimentary meal. The whole experience would be expensive and over the top except for the food, which was the reason why you decided to go in the first place.

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X-Men, Mystique Hit #200

X-Men #200 came out this week, kicking off the "Endangered Species" crossover among the X-Titles. It also marks the culmination of Iceman and Mystique's built up relationship over the past couple issues. By "culmination" I mean it ain't going any further than that. Sure, having sex with someone that can change into any shape might seem like a good idea, but then you realize how many different men (and women) Mystique's been involved with over the years. I'm betting Iceman's ice powers are gonna come in real handy the next morning. Oh yeah, she also backstabs the X-Men on the last page.

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