Saturday, June 30, 2007

Stephanie Tanner Has Huge Boobs

Jodie Sweetin, better known to America as the precocious (see: annoying) middle child Stephanie Tanner on my favorite cheesy family sitcom of all time Full House, has resurfaced into public consciousness once again thanks to the buoyancy of her brand new prosthetic fun bags.

It's about time Jodie was the center of some positive publicity. After a fledgling acting career post-'House and struggling with a destructive crystal meth addiction, it seemed that Sweetin was doomed to share the curse of the child star with the likes of Danny Bonaduce, River Phoenix, and Dana Plato (The kid from Diff'rent Strokes. Not the black midget boy, the other one.) But it seems like she's definitely making a comeback. She has a paparazzi picture of her sideboob circulating on the internet, a stint as host on the critically acknowledged cable show Pants-Off Dance-Off, and marginally larger breasts. She's finally ready to embark on a degrading career in porn. She's already got a great porn name.

Honestly, what happened here? Her other co-stars are doing great. The Olsen Twins are the richest bulimic clowns in the world. D.J. found Jesus and married a hockey player. John Stamos is making drug-fueled appearances on Australian talk shows. Where did we go wrong with little Stephanie? Everything started going downhill ever since she started hanging out with that troublemaker Gia. This whole breast-enhancement thing was probably her idea, the little slut.

Oh, Stephanie. Mr. Bear is probably rolling over in his grave. Anyway, I hope everything works out for the former Honeybee. And good luck to her new tits, who I hear she's affectionately nicknamed Mary-Kate and Ashley. Now let's all recite the Honeybee pledge.

I pledge my love and loyalty
to all the hive and every bee!
Our motto is and ever was,
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