Kelly Brook Is Hotter Than You

As if women didn't have enough reasons to be ashamed of their bodies, The Mirror came out with an article that names Kelly Brook as the living embodiment of natural beauty. The article even lists her attributes along with the scientific reasoning as to why they make her perfect:

THE HAIR

Kelly has been blessed with naturally long, thick chestnut curls. Hair extensions are definitely not required. Shiny locks have long been a marker of health and therefore make a woman instantly more attractive to men.

THE FACE

Dr Ben Jones of Aberdeen University's Face Laboratory said: "Men from all cultures are drawn to a babyish face with big eyes and arched eyebrows which seem consistent with high oestrogen levels." Kelly ticks all the boxes.

THE BOOBS

Her 34E bust has no need of a silicone boost. But there are plenty of women who would kill for such curves...or at least pay a plastic surgeon to get them. One, Lisa Sacks says many of her clients beg her for boobs just like Kelly's.

THE WAIST

"Super-beautiful" women have waists a third smaller than their hips and three-quarters their bust measurement, say researchers at the University of Gdansk in Poland. There's no doubt, Kelly really shapes up in this area.

THE HIPS

Researchers at the University of Texas say the perfect woman's hip to waist ratio is 0.7 - her exact measurements. And no fellas, we don't know how you can get a job in the lucky depar tment where they carry out such studies.

THE LEGS

At 5ft 8in tall she has longer pins than the average woman which makes her, according to experts at the University of Gdansk, more beautiful. These guys clearly know their stuff.

While I do agree with Kelly Brook's sex appeal, this research is missing some vital statistics. If you were to look for an example of the perfect physical specimen, you might as well go all out on the research. How long is her tongue? Where is she pierced? Does her skin bruise easily from physical activities like spanking? How does she look when when wet? How about covered in honey? Bent over? Upside down? Or most importantly, the morning after in bed? These questions need to be answered and I'm more than willing to volunteer my services to find out.