WWE Monday Night Raw live from Dallas, Texas.
We open with a recap of the WWE Championship Challenge. Cena pinned Foley to retain.
Pyro. Mr. Kennedy comes out, and is introduced by Lilian. Hey, she's back. He claims he should be the WWE champion, and he blames the fans for his inability to cash in money in the bank. Fans are apathetic, and can barely muster the obligatory “What?” Tries to announce his name, but he his interrupted by Cena, who's... getting mostly cheers? No, once his music ends, there they are. Cena says Kennedy is “the new guy”, so he introduces himself, and says, and pretends not to know his name. “You do the thing with the microphone... Mister Cameltoe”. Cameltoe chant. Now... a Cena chant? Yes, they are chanting Cena's name. He proceeds to call him Mr Crappypants, Mr Kellogg's Crunchy Nuts, Mr Colosthemy Bag, and Mr Kenny G, before mocking his catchphrase. It sounded like this:
“Mister... Kaaaabaabaabalabla.” Pause. “Baaalalabaablab.”
King Booker comes out, and demands a title shot. And tonight. I know that looks sudden, but that's basically how it was.
Orton out next. Also wants a shot, claims to have ended HBK and RVD's careers.
Lashley out next. He and Orton look like they are wearing underwear with their T-Shirts. Well, we know what Lashley sounds like, and we've seen the fannypack pictures of Orton. Also wants a shot.
Now William Regal comes out. Well, finally, he gets a title shot? No, Coachman is on holiday, so Regal is substitute GM. It's Beat the Clock tonight. And Regal calls Orton “Sunshine”, because his match is next.
Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy – Orton with a shoulderblock early on, and a quick pin. Jeff kicks out, and gets a pinfall attempt. Orton whips Jeff to the ropes, who hangs on, then backdrops Orton over when he charges. Jeff with a baseball slide, then a plancha. Rolls Orton back into the ring for another near fall. Jeff whips Orton to the corner, who comes back out with a clothesline. 2 pin attempts are kicked out of, and then Orton spends a minute stomping away, slowly. Doesn't make sense, I thought this was a Beat the Clock match? Orton drops the leg and goes for a pin. Kickout... then Orton locks on some kind of scissor/armbar combination. Well, at least it's not a chinlock. Jeff moves, and Orton switches to some kind of waistlock... which somehow is a submission hold. He lets go, and hits a scoop slam. Pin attempt. Another scoop and another pin. And then he does it a third time. After that, it's back to the scissor/armbar. So let's see... Orton did a shoulderblock, a clothesline, some stomps, that guillotine armbar, and scoop slams, and it's already been 5 minutes. Jeff fights back, eventually hitting a neckbreaker out of nowhere. After 2 pinfall attempts, Jeff dropkicks Orton in the corner, pin attempt. Orton rolls out to the apron, and snaps Jeff's neck on the ropes. Another pin attempt. An Irish whip is countered with Whisper in the Wind. Pinfall attempt fails, and Orton hits an RKO to counter a Twist of Fate to rack up a time of 7:06. I think Orton did six different offensive moves that entire match.
Melina vs Maria – First, a recap of Candace's win. She comes out to do commentary. So I guess there's gonna be a brawl afterwards. Melina poses like a Power Ranger at the top of the ramp during her entrance. The match is mostly catfight fodder, though Melina busts out a Giant Swing and a Surfboard Hairpull. She hits her finisher for the win... and there's a brawl afterwards.
Recap of HHH's quad tear. I guess there'll be 8 weeks of recover vignettes. Has U2 done anything new the WWE can use? HHH makes squishy faces as the doctor tends to his leg.
Dusty Rhodes introduces his son Cody to Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who welcomes the generic-looking kid to the “big leagues”. As far as I can tell, he looks nothing like his dad. Orton appears, wants to introduce himself to Cody. After some scary face making, he slaps the Dream, and Cody wants a piece.
Recap of Santino Marella's Intercontinental Title win in Milan, and his Vengeance “win”. He finds Maria in the back to check on her, but she's more worried about his challenge to Umaga. He “make-a” the challenge to Umaga to prove himself. He kisses Maria, and then heads out.
Santino Marella(C) vs Umaga – Umaga introduced first. Santino Marella's music would be better if it didn't try to go to crappy guitar and hi hat land after the intro. Give him Salvatore Sincere's music. He tries to shoot on Umaga and gets thrown off. Leg kicks from Marella, gets caught, escapes, and takes Umaga outside. Umaga grabs the champ through the ropes, and proceeds to use the ring to brutalize him. Back in the ring, and we begin generic face comeback sequence #1. Nerve holds and chops send him reeling, but he dodges a charge, and now more leg kicks. Tries a pinfall, but Umaga kicks out so hard Santino goes outside again. Samoan Drop from Umaga. Drags the lifeless Santino to the corner, and sets up for the butt ram. He connects, and the crowd, who was actually rooting for him, deflates at this. I didn't know they cared. Samoan Spike connects, and a three count crowns a new Intercontinental Champion. He celebrates by putting the belt in his mouth.
King Booker and Sharmell are walking. The time to beat, again, is 7:06.
King Booker w/ Queen Sharmell vs. Val Venis – Wow, Booker also poses like a Power Ranger. I want to shout “NOT VAL VENIS!” at my TV when he is announced. Val Venis's tron is still kinda going well after the bell starts. A couple pinfall attempts traded, and after some back and forth, Booker with a sidekick and a nearfall. Generic offense traded back and forth. Venis with a pinfall, but Booker kicks out, and takes Venis down with a clothesline. Another pinfall. At least they remember to do frequent pin attempts in these matches. Booker works over Venis, who escapes a submission hold using the ropes. Some more strikes, and then a perfectly acceptabe vertical suplex. Venis kicks out and starts fighting back, but gets hit with an elbow off of an Irish whip attempt. Booker has already used, I think, 8 different moves, three minutes in. Knees by Venis who takes control and hits a clothesline. A neckbreaker connects, and Booker kicks out at 2. Venis calls a spot, then whips Booker to the corner, who gets a knee up, and then kicks Venis in the gut in the center of the ring. Scissors Kick finishes it at 4:30, and thus, we have a new Beat the Clock leader. Booker does another pose as Sharmell announces the winner. I want to learn how to do that pose. Between him, Melina, and MVP, I think we have a new stable.
Kennedy in the back with Super Crazy. They face each other tonight, and Kennedy is interested in Super Crazy throwing the match and laying down. He'll slide a few pesos his way if he helps him out. Do they have a deal? “Si, Misterrrrr Kennedy.” But you know what? I don't think they do.
Mr. Kennedy vs. Super Crazy – Well, it's the in ring return for Kennedy. Super Crazy looks ready to fight as Kennedy gets the mic. The countdown continues as he starts to introduce himself, but Super Crazy gets a rollup... for three? That's the entire segment, folks.
Booker backstage with Shelton Benjamin, who will be facing Lashley tonight. If Shleton can last the clock, then he gets the first shot at Booker's title when he wins. They have a deal... and Booker wants Shelton to kiss his royal hand. Shelton does it because he's a trooper.
Dusty Rhodes backstage with Grisham. NEXT week, Orton and Dusty will be in the ring.
Jillian Hall listens to Carlito ramble on about something or other. Sandman shows up and opens a beer all over Carlito. Carlito spits an apple all over Sandman. Sandman spits a beer in Carlito's face. And Ron Simmons says Damn. That segment could have used other spitting, like HHH spitting water, or maybe someone spitting green mist, or Hacksaw Jim Duggan spitting up on himself.
Carlito vs. The Sandman – “The Sandman's idea of a balanced diet is a beer in each hand.” - Lawler. Carlito takes the early advantage with generic heel tactics. Carlito tries to use the kendo stick, but the ref blocks it. Sandman snatches the kendo stick and cracks Carlito over the head with it for the DQ. Dammit, very hard to care about this stuff.
Bobby Lashley vs. Shelton Benjamin – Woah, Shelton's old singles music. They do amateur stuff to start, which is always fine by me. Shelton to the outside, and stalls for time. Tries to brawl, but Lashley outbrawls him and slams him. Benjamin outside again, with 3:15 to go. He kills time until 2:30 left, when he starts trying to brawl. Lashley counts, and goes for a back body drop, but Shelton COUNTERS INTO A DDT that just looks awesome. 1:55 to go, and Shelton kicks away. Lashley powers up and gets a fallaway slam. Lashley unloads, and gets a spear in the corner that he combos into a powerslam. He whiffs a slam, and Shelton tries his spinning enzuigiri kick thing, but Lashlet reverses into a Dominator attempt that is escaped at :57, and Shelton kicks him in the head. Benjamin springboards off the top rope, but Lashley spears him in midair and gets the pin with :27 to go, winning Beat the Clock and the shot at Cena at the Bash. The contract signing is next.
Wait, no, another HHH promo is next.
Now Regal comes out with the contract in hand. He introduces Bobby Lashley first, and then John Cena. Cena compliments Lashley, saying he's looking forward to the match, and Lashley shares his sentiments. Kennedy and Booker come out, claiming this is all a farce. Cena goads them on, and they brawl, 2 on 2. You know they couldn't do Cena 1 on 1 with Lashley this early. The heels clear out, Cena signs, and then Lashley spears the holy hell out of him... and gets heel heat? Seriously? Show ends.
My thoughts: Best spot of the show was Shelton's DDT, and the best moment was Umaga eating the IC belt. Beyond that, totally forgettable show, even with a title change.
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