Cloverfield Roar

What you just heard was the sound of the monster roar from the still unnamed Cloverfield project of J.J. Abrams. What's there to say about it? Does it sound like a giant monster? Would it send chills down your spine if you heard it following a power outage while you were in New York City? All I know is the buzz for this movie is going downhill fast. It's probably for the better since the last time a giant monster was hyped down our throats, we got the "Godzilla" remake. That movie was so shitty that its clips have been reused for a Doritos commercial. If you just can't wait until January to see a towering behemoth tear apart a city, you can always catch the dragon orgy that is "D-War" on September 14.

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NASA Knows Its Priorities

NASA will do its duty of honoring the 30th anniversary of "Star Wars" by sending Luke Skywalker's lightsaber into space. It will be carried on the space shuttle Discovery during its October launch. Chewbacca and other Star Wars characters will hand off the lighsaber in a ceremony at Oakland International Airport. But that's not all. IGN said:

This will be followed by a spectacular departure aboard a Southwest Airlines flight as Chewbacca and his galactic friends help push back the airplane on the tarmac.

Once the flight lands in Houston, Stormtroopers will help escort the lightsaber off the plane as R2-D2 and other famous Star Wars characters kick-off the second half of the celebration at Gate 47 in William P. Hobby Airport.

The fanfare will conclude outside baggage claim where the lightsaber will be transported by a caravan of Hummers with an official City of Webster police escort to NASA's Space Center Houston where it will be secured inside the lunar vault.

Talk about overkill for an inanimate object. National heroes and world leaders don't get that kind of respect and protection. It's ironic that the entire journey leads up to the prized artifact being loaded onto a vehicle that's been known to explode in the atmosphere. Twice. Sure, the chance of an explosion happening are low, but the Empire thought the same way when it built the Death Star. Twice.

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Hollywood/Hasbro Whoring

Even before "Transformers" came out this year, the creatively bankrupt Hollywood studios have been looking for existing properties to turn into the next feature film. With the success of "Transformers" along with other films like the "Pirates of the Caribbean" trilogy, it should come as no suprise that G.I. Joe is next in line. Variety says:

The accelerated production schedule began right after Sommers pitched his version of the film to Par chairman-CEO Brad Grey and production prexy Brad Weston on Wednesday evening. He was hired in the room.

I'm guessing that meeting was just Sommers saying how much money Transformers made, followed by him dumping a box of G.I. Joe toys on top of the table.

You know, we all have a good laugh joking about other possible properties to turn into movies. Some are even talented enough to make comedic skits like the one posted above. We think to ourselves, "surely they wouldn't make a movie out of (fill in the blank) because that would be ridiculous." But then Variety validates those thoughts with this chilling statement:

WMA is also helping Hasbro with possible movies based on such properties as the board games "Monopoly" and "Battleship."

Wow.

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Justice League Might Be Awesome

IESB has recently been posting some interesting updates about the upcoming Justice League film. Their first interesting nugget on Friday:

Yes there will be motion capture used in the film but it will not be an all out “motion capture production.” Heavy motion capture will be used for the OMACs, the underwater sequences and such. So, all in all, this will be a traditionally made film with some motion capture characters, pretty much like every big fantasy movie these days.

And the second:

But, I am telling you, we have triple checked this out and all indications are that Tom Welling in fact is a go on the WB side. I rechecked with my sources and they are all still saying yes, yes Tom Welling, yes Justice League, yes production starts early next year and yes Smallville will have to work around it.

You know, there's been so many different incarnations of the Justice League that have appeared in comics, various animated series, and on "Smallville." The only way the feature film will break new ground is through casting. Tom Welling would be a good start. I say they take advantage of the CGI and make Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman look like Adam West, Christopher Reeves, and Linda Carter, respectively. Of course doing so would result in one of two things. Either the entire geek community would let out a collective simultaneous orgasm or the film would end up as a creepy zombie fest of lifeless looking characters. Given the track record of photo-realistic CGI, it would probably end up turning into the zombie fest.

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NBC Bringing Flexy Back

Variety reports that NBC plans on bringing "American Gladiators" back to television for midseason. While I was a big time fan of the show back in the day, I don't think my enthusiasm is anywhere near that of the masterminds behind the return:

"We've been circling around this property for a long time now," said Craig Plestis, exec VP of alternative programming, development and specials at NBC Entertainment. "It's truly what's not in the TV landscape right now. While everyone's zigging, I'm attracted to doing a zag."

Plestis said he was particularly interested in the original U.K. version of "Gladiators," which focused even more on the characters and the behind-the-scenes stories of common folk going up against the show's powerful stars. The new "Gladiators," he said, "will have the scale, scope, different characters and family drama that the U.K. version had."

"We're not going to completely reinvent the wheel here," he said. "But we're making it better, faster and stronger."

MGM Worldwide TV co-prexy Jim Packer gave his thoughts as well:

"The timing to bring the franchise back is perfect, and NBC is the ideal home," Packer said. "It's a very big, grandiose type of show."

Circling? Attracted to doing a zag? Better, faster and stronger? Big and grandiose? My subtext detector readings are off the charts! I bet if I asked these guys to describe the meeting that generated this idea they would describe it as "a series of back and forth ejaculations of material from our throbbing heads."

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Fan Receives Free Replica Of Han Solo In Carbonite, Replaces Solo's Head With Own

Meet Rob. According to Rob, one of his friends was trying to get rid of a life-size replica of the Han Solo frozen in carbonite prop from the original Star Wars trilogy. Rob said:

I screamed a huge lispy "Yes!", and picked it up, but knew I wanted to do something cool with it. So I called my other nerdy special effects pals, and they offered to replace Harrison Ford's face with mine. I was so tired of hearing this offer in my daily life, but decided to finally consider it, so off it went.

It's a well known fact that Harrison Ford, who's been referred to as the sexiest man alive, possesses good looks so radiant that they can melt a person's face off if exposed for prolonged amounts of time. George Lucas was aware of this, and ingeniously came up with the idea to put Han in carbonite to limit Ford's physical exposure to the rest of the cast and crew.

Rob, as you can tell by the picture, also bears the curse of handsomeness. By adopting the plan Lucas came up with, regular people now have a way of looking upon Rob's magnificent visage without fear of their eyes bursting.

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The Swiss Love Frisbee, Neutrality

Like the Koreans to Starcraft and the Brazilians to Gunbound, the Swiss love their frisbee games. They love frisbee so much that they'll even use other disc-like objects when one is not available. They'll even use a heavy, metal explosive device that's meant to knock out tanks. Ananova has a story of two Swiss students that played frisbee with a land mine. The article says:

Lukas Aider, 20, and Christoph Kurz, 19, took a plunge in the Danube river in Budapest when they found the mine and began their potentially lethal game.

A lifeguard watching stopped them and immediately called the police.

A bomb squad then arrived to make safe what turned out to be an old Soviet 6 kilogrammes anti-tank mine.

There are huge campaigns that are meant to bring land mine awareness to war torn areas like Bosnia. They even feature well-known characters like Superman or Bugs Bunny warning about the dangers of these weapons. So of course Switzerland, with its long history of neutrality, would be home to people with complete ignorance of the dangers of land mines. Do the Swiss finally understand the dangers of adopting neutrality?

"With enemies, you know where they stand, but with neutrals—who knows. It sickens me."
-Zapp Brannigan

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You Can't Come Back To Life Unless The Government Says It's Okay

Original Story here

China has passed a law making it illegal for Buddhist monks living outside China to seek reincarnation without permission from the government.

Of course, the purpose of this law is to attempt to diminish the influence of the Dalai Lama and Tibet. However, in this case the joke writes itself; one can't help but marvel at the absurdity of this.

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Biel Takes Lead In Hottest Jessica Contest

The stalemate between Jessicas Biel, Alba, and Simpson over who's the hottest Jessica ended this week. Fresh from her eye-popping appearance in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Jessica Biel will be shedding even more clothing in her upcoming film, Powder Blue. According to a Page Six source, Biel "signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see - including shots of her breasts and butt." She'll be playing a stipper trying to raise money for her terminally ill son.

Not only does Biel gain more points this week, but Simpson and Alba lose a couple. Jessica Simpson broke her nose while filming her movie, Major Movie Star. As for Jessica Alba, more promotional material is being released for her upcoming romantic comedy, Good Luck Chuck, with the increasingly annoying Dane Cook. Despite the turn of events, the competition is by no means over. It will end only when the Jessicas settle their differences in a decathlon type challenge that includes pillow fighting, pole dancing, and oil wrestling.

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Hitman Could Have Killed Me Twice, By Now

Somehow, I was completely oblivious to the fact that 20th Century Fox had made a movie of the video game Hitman. Usually I catch things like this early, but I only heard about this one because it’s coming out in two months time. Jesus Christ. Where were you on that one, Extra-Sensory Perception On The Release Of New Movies?

After viewing the trailer, I’m not sure what to think. We don’t really get much, other than the fact that it looks like they took the basic plot of the game, and tried to recreate a lot of visuals. Unfortunately, watching the trailer also reminded me that any white man who shaves his head invariably ends up looking like a giant thumb. No, really. Watch the trailer, and you'll see what I'm talking about. You'll spend half the time wondering where the rest of the hand is hiding.

But hey, a movie where a giant thumb shoots a ton of people? That could be cool.

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Jurassic Park Still Not Extinct

Bloody-Disgusting has the latest details on the upcoming "Jurassic Park" sequel. Laura Dern will be reprising her role as Dr. Ellie Sattler although Sam Neill won't be returning as Dr. Alan Grant. I wonder if it's because the plot has to do with the government training dinosaurs to carry weapons for use in battle. This many movies in, and people never realize how dangerous dinosaurs are. Robert Muldoon, from the original "Jurassic Park," was the only character that had the right idea.

Muldoon would say, "They should all be destroyed." He would scream fanatically, "Shoot her! Shoot her!" And he would finally ask, "What about the lysine contingency? We could put that into effect."

Alas, his words fell on deaf ears. Because whether it's for money, scientific study, or exploitation, nobody wants to kill a dinosaur. Even Muldoon, the most anti-dinosaur person on the planet, could only muster a "clever girl" quip and shoot wildly into the air before being devoured by a velociraptor.

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Matt Damon?

Matt Damon will be playing himself on a September 3 episode of "Arthur" on PBS. Except it won't really be himself. It's an animated version of Matt Damon. With bear ears. And a pink critter nose. And a coat of brown fur all over his body. And he's wearing a muscle shirt with a pink phallic building drawn on it. One can only wonder what kind of a stir this image is making among certain portions of the Internet community.

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Jean Grey Is Insane

What I'm really enjoying right now is Jean Grey's portrayal in Ultimate X-Men. In the original Marvel Universe stories, an alien entity known as the Phoenix put Jean in suspended animation and lived out her life for a brief period of time. The Phoenix became corrupted by its own power, killed a billion aliens, and ended up committing suicide to atone for its sins. Some time afterwards, a clone of Jean appeared, named Madelyne Pryor. Madelyne was Cyclops's love interest until he left her for the real deal. This was after the two of them had a baby, which would later grow up to become Cable. Madelyne goes insane and makes a deal with some demons to become the Goblin Queen. Just like the Phoenix, she ends up killing herself.

The Ultimate Universe re-imagines these two convoluted concepts by simply making Jean bat shit crazy. Why have multiple versions of one character go nuts when all you need is one? This version of Jean sees little goblins whenever she uses her telekinetic abilities. In the latest issue of Ultimate X-Men, the Phoenix appears to Jean as a flaming female entity and tries to possess her with a fiery, naked, and possibly romantic embrace. Each month I'm expecting Jean to just shave her head and start hitting vehicles with an umbrella. If she gets killed off, it should in an equally outrageous fashion as her life. I'm thinking something like keeling over in public from a drug overdose and then choking on her own vomit.

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Worst. Burglary. Ever.

Probably not the worst, but certainly one of the lamest heists a criminal could pull. Ralph's Comic Corner in Ventura, California was robbed Tuesday morning by burglars that came through the store's ceiling. At least the manager knows that this is more of a nuisance than an actual crime. Mike Sterling says:

We were lucky with this latest robbery, for the most part...according to the alarm company records, about one minute elapsed between the motion detector picking up something moving in the store and registering the opening of the back door. So the burglar (or burglars - who knows?) spent one panicked minute running around our shop in the dark, burglar alarm blaring, searching through the glass cases for something to take until they decided on Witchblade, Spawn, some variant covers, and a few other recent books.

So instead of emptying the register, grabbing the rare comics collection, or even taking any of the overpriced comic related merchandise the burglar(s) settled for the "cool" looking comics. Seriously now, Witchblade? Spawn? Since when have those properties been popular enough to warrant burglary? I estimate the potential loot to be worth less than a hundred dollars. And that's if the criminal(s) aren't dumb enough to try selling the stuff back to the same store. They probably could've made more by roughing up some middle school kids for their money.

This really should come as no surprise for those familiar with how lame Ventura county is. You see, Ventura is populated by people like former Iowa residents and creepy middle aged men that make out with fourteen year olds at a Bloodhound Gang concert. It's only a matter of time before these geniuses are caught. And where they're going, they'll soon be turned into collector's items.

(cue music)

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Piss-Screen Game Makes A Splash With Germans

Forget the PS3, the Xbox 360, and even the Wii. They're nothing but pitiful tinkles when compared to the frothy stream of revolutionary gaming that is the Piss-Screen! The official website says:

The Piss-Screen - a pressure-sensitive inlay set within urinals, enabling users to play while they pee. We installed this newfangled creation in male restrooms across Frankfurt, teaming up with a variety of bars, clubs and cafés. The game itself was displayed on a screen above each urinal, and would automatically start as soon as someone began to pee. The player could then control the car whilst relieving himself – if they wanted the car to go right, they simply peed to the right (and visa versa).

Did you know that Germans like to drink? I know I didn't. Evidently, drinking and driving has become such a problem that a group of developers took it upon themselves to come up with a way to curb the habit. And that's the story behind the greatest gaming system known to man.

Of course, women are once again left out of the loop since they don't have a version to play in their respective restrooms. I think it's pretty obvious why. They a) can't drive to begin with and b) suck at videogames. I'm sure if they wanted to play the Piss-Screen badly enough, they could partake in some improvised multiplayer action. The guy watches the road while the girl handles his junk. Wow, the Piss-Screen is a pretty good driving simulator as well!

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Gamestop Hates Quality, Punches Babies

The last part of that title may not be true, but I wouldn’t be surprised, after how true the first part is. Let me tell you a story.

It’s a story about a guy we’ll call Bob. Bob plays Halo 2 competitively, and knows that you need to play it on the original Xbox, because the 360 emulation for Halo 2 blows goats. As anyone who plays games competitively knows, having the appropriate controller makes a world of difference – if you play with some whack-ass controller that was made in Nigeria from sticks and cow dung, you’re going to have some difficulty. Bob learned that with few exceptions, 3rd party Xbox controllers suck more dick than Mr. Cheney’s wife. After having the thumbsticks of a controller literally disintegrate in his hands, Bob swore to only use Official Microsoft Xbox controllers.

The problem Bob encountered was that these were becoming increasingly hard to come by. Without resorting to eBay, it was near impossible to find them new, but relatively possible to find them used at local game stores. One of the game stores that offers used merchandise is the demon-spawn known as Gamestop. Bob had been to this store before, so he figured he’d give it a try. Hey, the store said all of its used merchandise was 100% Guaranteed! Hard to get much better than that, right?

So Bob bought a used controller, and took it home. He plugged it into his Xbox, and turned on Halo. After the game loaded, he discovered that his character was spinning in a circle like a satanic top. Upon some inspection of his controller, he discovered that both joysticks were broken. Surprised, he returned the controller to Gamestop, and asked for another one. They exchanged it, Bob took it home, and discovered that the Y Button on this one was broken. He took it back, got a new one, and discovered that the Left Trigger on this one didn’t function.

After making some polite inquiries with the end of a blunt object, it was admitted to Bob that Gamestop did not actually test any of the used merchandise they received. None of it. You could sell them a fucking Xbox with a brick inside, and they’d smile and put it on the shelf the next day. How in the hell is this a 100% Guarantee? Because it’s 100% Guaranteed to have been dropped from a two story building by its previous owner before being sold?

I’m sorry, I have to stop writing this. I need to go shit on my Xbox, then sell it to Gamestop. I know they’ll buy it, and then sell it right back to people dumb enough to buy used merchandise from that fucking store.

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Vegansexuals: Don't Hate The Player, Hate The Game

What do you call someone that says he or she doesn't want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies are made up of animal carcasses? "Crazy," "judgmental," "hypocritical," and "moronic" seem to work pretty well. Ask me on the right day and I'll even accept "moral." Only problem is those terms are too typical. You need something that will catch reader attention and hopefully get people to think that you're a leading expert on these types of people. Maybe you can even get other to think that you've discovered a totally new breed of human by inventing a word. How about "vegansexual?"

That's exactly what you'll find in a story from New Zealand's Christchurch Press about these so called vegansexuals. The articles says:

The co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University, Annie Potts, said she coined the term after doing research on the lives of "cruelty-free consumers".

Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians and other Ethical Consumers asked 157 people nationwide about everything from battery chickens to sexual preferences.

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses.

"It's a whole new thing – I have not come across it before," said Potts.

People that choose the lifestyle described above don't bother me. Logically speaking, they probably wouldn't be into oral so it's not like I'm missing out. On a side note, I tried looking for an image of a sexy vegan for this post but failed miserably.

What bothers me are people like Annie Potts that just have to coin a term so they can be known for something, even if it's as ridiculous as naming percentage of a percentage of people. Based on Potts's research, a group of less than 157 people is all it takes to be considered a totally different type of vegan, let alone a newly discovered sexual lifestyle.

You know why Potts hasn't "come across it before?" There's no such thing as a vegansexual. But there is such a thing as people that choose not to have sex with a particular person for whatever reason they see fit. It's called having standards. Incidentally, people also need to have standards for word usage because there's no need to go come up with new buzzwords to describe every little phenomenon they come across. Just file it under the weird column. You'll know what I mean after reading some of the quotes from various people in that article.

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A Street With No Name...

Well I figure I'd give it at least a year before it loses its name. The street that I'm talking about is NAFTA's I-69. It's a toll road from Mexico to Canada, but who the hell cares? It's 69 baby. This beauty is going to be 1430 miles of Interstate signs prime for the picking. The perfect sign to decorate your room right next to One Way and below "your name" Ave. Every college student and hell any man who's looking for the perfect answer to "What's your sign" will be taking a road trip once this baby opens up. It has been said that this road will bring together the cost effective Mexico to the assembly lines in Canada. All I can think of is latin spice and some fair skinned hot Canadians. A multicultural three way between our ladies to the north and those to the south. Fun for all and the signs prove it. Thank you NAFTA, or whoever thought the interstate we were missing was a little INTERstate 69. Giggidy Giggidy!

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Mickey Mouse And The Last Resort

One of my favorite comic related columns has to be Brian Cronin's Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed. This week, he shows a series of Mickey Mouse comic strips concerned entirely with Mickey trying and hilariously failing at killing himself. Why that gosh darn mouse messes everything up from shooting himself in the face, jumping off a bridge, drowning in a lake, suffocating from gas, or hanging from a tree. The entire story arc can be read here, courtesy of Barnacle Press.

What's surprising is that although most of the Mickey Mouse comic strips were done by Floyd Gottfredson, it was Walt Disney himself that came up with the idea of Mickey attempting suicide. While it might seem a little twisted for Walt Disney's sense of humor, keep in mind that the uncut version of "Steamboat Willie" had Mickey chucking some piglets away from a mother pig so he can play music with her teats. So now you know why Mickey Mouse is such a hardcore character in the "Kingdom Hearts" series.

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Ethan Haas Is Full Of Shit

So August 1 rolls around. Let's all point our browser to www.ethanhaaswasright.com, right? Oh wait, no, they're late. Give it a day.

I come back today, and click "Yes, I'm ready."

I'm linked to www.alphaomegathegame.com? It's a... tabletop RPG? That's IT?!

If you didn't know, it turns out the Ethan Haas thing and the Cloverfield project have NOTHING in common. It was just coincidence they started on the same day.

But what the hell did all of that "They're coming" shit have to with anything? The game... has no point. It was to sell us a FUCKING TABLETOP RPG.

Understandably, people on their forums are pissed as all hell.

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Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed to 2008

Noooooooooooo!

*sniff*

So much for my big incentive to buy an XBox 360 this year. I suppose now I can wait until Microsoft starts building units that don't catch fire and explode. Strauss Zelnick, Chairman of Take-Two, said:

"Certain elements of development proved to be more time-intensive than expected, especially given the commitment for a simultaneous release on two very different platforms," said Take-Two chairman Strauss Zelnick in a statement.

This never would have happened if Rockstar didn't have to develop the game for that oversized fail-machine PS3. Between the Wii's backward graphical capabilities, the XBox's hardware issues, and the PS3's severe lack of titles, it would just be nice to hear some good news once in a while.

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Zombies. 'Nuff Said.

More news continues to flow from last week's Comic Con. You know what they say. When theres no more room in hell for the makers of crappy zombie films, then the dead will walk the earth under the vision of George Romero and Max Brooks. CBR says:

Shot entirely on subjective camera and security camera footage, "Diary of the Dead" will follow the story of a group of college students experiencing the first night of a zombie breakout. "That's what this one is, it's about a bunch of college kids that were out doing a school project when the shit hits the fan."

When asked what inspired the premise behind "Diary," Romero explained that he makes his movies based on what he sees in today's world. "'Land' is about the Bush Administration basically," Romero said. "And 'Diary' is about YouTube."

As for Brooks, his book, "World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War," is in the process of being adapted into a feature film.

It's comforting to know that there are still some great zombie movies in the works. They'll be like the simple yet always overlooked head shot needed to destroy the rotting, undead corpses of the "Resident Evil" and "House of the Dead" films.

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