Gamestop Hates Quality, Punches Babies

The last part of that title may not be true, but I wouldn’t be surprised, after how true the first part is. Let me tell you a story.

It’s a story about a guy we’ll call Bob. Bob plays Halo 2 competitively, and knows that you need to play it on the original Xbox, because the 360 emulation for Halo 2 blows goats. As anyone who plays games competitively knows, having the appropriate controller makes a world of difference – if you play with some whack-ass controller that was made in Nigeria from sticks and cow dung, you’re going to have some difficulty. Bob learned that with few exceptions, 3rd party Xbox controllers suck more dick than Mr. Cheney’s wife. After having the thumbsticks of a controller literally disintegrate in his hands, Bob swore to only use Official Microsoft Xbox controllers.

The problem Bob encountered was that these were becoming increasingly hard to come by. Without resorting to eBay, it was near impossible to find them new, but relatively possible to find them used at local game stores. One of the game stores that offers used merchandise is the demon-spawn known as Gamestop. Bob had been to this store before, so he figured he’d give it a try. Hey, the store said all of its used merchandise was 100% Guaranteed! Hard to get much better than that, right?

So Bob bought a used controller, and took it home. He plugged it into his Xbox, and turned on Halo. After the game loaded, he discovered that his character was spinning in a circle like a satanic top. Upon some inspection of his controller, he discovered that both joysticks were broken. Surprised, he returned the controller to Gamestop, and asked for another one. They exchanged it, Bob took it home, and discovered that the Y Button on this one was broken. He took it back, got a new one, and discovered that the Left Trigger on this one didn’t function.

After making some polite inquiries with the end of a blunt object, it was admitted to Bob that Gamestop did not actually test any of the used merchandise they received. None of it. You could sell them a fucking Xbox with a brick inside, and they’d smile and put it on the shelf the next day. How in the hell is this a 100% Guarantee? Because it’s 100% Guaranteed to have been dropped from a two story building by its previous owner before being sold?

I’m sorry, I have to stop writing this. I need to go shit on my Xbox, then sell it to Gamestop. I know they’ll buy it, and then sell it right back to people dumb enough to buy used merchandise from that fucking store.